Subtle Things and Changing my Last Name

Today, I changed my name.

Well, legally. Emotionally, I claimed the Elmer name the moment we put our hands in the air and walked back down the isle to "You're My Best Friend" by Queen. 

But, today I legally applied for a new social security card and driver's license under the my new name: Amanda Nicole Elmer. 

It's incredibly exciting! Finally, I am my husband's wife. His Mrs. Elmer. When we have a family, we will all share the same last name. (And, I'm really excited to start using the signature that I have been practicing for almost two years now.)

For some reason, however, I am feeling nostalgic, and attached to my maiden name. Don't get me wrong -- I changed my name on Facebook and Instagram to Amanda Elmer pretty much as soon as we got in the car to head to the hotel. I had been anticipating this change for such a long time! And I never thought I would hesitate. 

As excited as I am, I suddenly feel like I am losing my identity. Being the oldest child in my family, I established the Dostert name. It was one that reflected passion, drive, dedication and compassion, and when people heard that name they knew that they would interact with a kind person who cared about the happiness of others. 

Being a Dostert was unique -- to the point where almost no one could pronounce it correctly on their first go. I grew accustomed and even attached to my mispronounced name. While it is pronounced "Daw-stert", I was also "Doh-stert" and proud to be so. (In fact, I have fond memories of my now-husband-then-best-friend calling me that.) 

The Dostert line is a line of hard-working and caring people. People who have struggled to overcome some of the hardest obstacles imaginable. People who laughed hard and loved even harder, and people who made large personal sacrifices for the joy of others.

Most importantly, though, Dostert's are family people. With a history of large families within the line, it's no wonder why I identify so well with my ancestors and relatives. As the oldest of seven, I grew up with family as my number one priority. And this instilled in me the desire to have a big, close-knit family myself. 

I have to realize that while I may no longer be a Dostert on paper, I will forever be one in my heart. I will still be my parents' daughter and siblings' sister.

The girl everyone knew to be loving and compassionate, hardworking and bold. I will still be myself. 

I can take these cherished values and traits and turn my little Elmer family into one I can be proud to have. One I can be happy to identify with. I can make the already incredible Elmer name an even better one, with all of those attributes that I hold dear.

Changing my name makes me so excited to start a family and raise my little Elmer children to be as loving as their mom and as confident and funny as their dad; To graduate college as Amanda Elmer and establish a name for myself in my field; To teach as Mrs. Elmer; to maybe even start a couple businesses with my husband as the Elmer's. 

Despite my momentary hesitation, my future as an Elmer is bright, I can tell. 

The Subtle Lessons I have Learned from Six Weeks of Marriage

Today marks exactly six weeks since I married my best friend and the love of my life --  

Which is something that I still have a hard time processing; It really feels as if it was a week or two ago. 

(The real kicker was washing the window paint off our car. Wow. We aren't wedding planning or honeymooning anymore.) 

But at the same time, it also feels like we have been married for years, and those last six weeks have been both chaotic and boring, and like the blink of an eye, we are here: living as a married couple, working full-time, and preparing for our future.  

And while we may still be newlyweds, and even though we have lived together for almost three years now, I am overwhelmed by what I have learned about weddings, marriages, and myself over the last month and a half. Marriage really is an incredible learning experience. 

The Subtle Lessons I have Learned from Six Weeks of Marriage:

1. Nothing really changes. 

"How does it feel to be married?" Honestly? The same. 

My life hasn't changed at all since I said my vows, and took Tim's last name (Well, spiritually. I haven't yet made that change legal). We still live in the same house, have the same jobs, the same routine, the same pet peeves and irritations. We are the same exact people. 

Which, frankly was almost frustrating. I think the romantic in me got so caught up in the wedding planning chaos that she forgot about being a realist. Marriage really is built up to be this life-altering, momentous occasion. And while the big day may feel that way, let's be real - you still have to come home to the toilet seat being left up, and dirty dishes in the sink. 

However, being unaltered from a marriage isn't a bad thing, necessarily. Tim is still my best friend, and we still have the best time together, and we have the same connection as we did pre-nuptials. My husband is my rock, just as he has always been. And while it may not have changed immediately after we signed our license, our relationship will continue (just as it always has) to grow and develop with us. 

2. Marriage can be lonely. 

This ties into a great blog that I read by Allison Vesterfelt . The reality is that marriage doesn't end your loneliness. Tim and I still work the same jobs with the same conflicting schedules. There are sequences of days where I really only interact with him over the phone, or in the car on the way to work. It's tiring and saddening and definitely lonely. However, I am comforted when I think of how our future will eventually be with a more regular job schedule, a more comfortable financial situation, and a family.

On the contrary, it's also easy to be so involved in your relationship with your husband that you stop nurturing your relationships with your friends and family, and even yourself. As happy as you can be being married to your best friend, you still need time with your girlfriends, or your mom, dad and siblings. And you definitely still need "you" time. Remember to put efforts into all important relationships. 

3. Marriage doesn't fix everything. 

It's true. Getting married doesn't erase your student loans, or reduce your electric bill. Marriage doesn't make stress disappear or do your homework for you. If you had insecurities before you said "I do", they don't fall away as you become man and wife -- I know that for sure. You will still experience sadness, anger, anxiety and worry. You will feel unattractive at times, and you will have terrible, terrible days.

But, the good thing about marriage is that you have someone to come home to every night, and if nothing else, get it all out in the air. In sickness and in health, after all. 

I am incredibly lucky that most nights, I have my best friend to make me laugh and forget about whatever was on my mind, even if it was only for a little while.  

4. They honeymoon doesn't last forever. 

As cliche as it sounds, it rings true -- we aren't in Maui anymore. 

Our life isn't always going to be as relaxing, exciting, and romantic as the honeymoon was. You aren't always going to have such uninterrupted time together. In fact, you may have to fight for it at times. You may get bored sometimes by the routine of everyday life. You'll get stuck in ruts, and And you will most definitely argue and fight. And while the amount may vary couple to couple, it will happen. You may as well prepare yourself. 

But, sometimes those outbursts and frustrations are necessary. They help you get everything out in the air, and reveal your raw and emotional side. As long as they aren't violent, they are important to the growth and development of your relationship. Disagreeing and working out your problems are important for both your individuality and your duality. 

5. You have to work for it. 

If I had to emphasize one thing, this is it:  Marriages take a lot of work. A lot. 

When we still had the paint on our car, we got congratulated a lot on the road. But my favorite moment was when an older gentleman (whom we had never met) rolled down his window, and wished us all the happiness in the world. But one thing he said stuck with me. He said that "there will be one or two bad days, but when times get tough, just remember to fight for the 'us' in you!" 

Your marriage has to be the number one priority. You have to make sacrifices for each other, and work at it everyday. Marriage is for life, right? Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who doesn't make them a priority? Certainly not me. 

All in all, marrying my husband was the greatest decision I have ever made. And, I feel the resounding truth in that statement echo in my heart, even just six weeks into our marriage. 

And even though some of these lessons may have come as a surprise, I am fully prepared and equipped to deal with them, with my whole heart for my whole life.