Subtle Things & What Now?

I've been waiting for this time in my life for years now.

I've been waiting for the period of my life when I would no longer be a college student. I've been anxiously and not-so-patiently waiting for my career years, the years I would be able to make a living wage in my field, and the years that I no longer worked in thankless retail, counting down the minutes until I punched out.

I made every action and choice over the last few years with this "future" in mind; the late nights studying, the hours in class, the terms where I completely overwhelmed myself with obligations and courses and work, and the complete neglect of my health and mental well-being were both subconscious and intentional components of my plan for success. I could rest when I got there, I told myself.

The last couple months of 2016 were a whirlwind. I was finishing up my student teaching and Masters degree in a terribly emotional political climate. We had four snow days, including snow on my graduation day. I was inches away from arriving to the phase of my life that I had prepared for, for most of my young years. I felt more fulfilled, and more like my authentic self that I had in a long time.

That time I had so deeply planned and awaited for has finally come.
I am here.

...what now?

Since my graduation in mid-December, I've felt at limbo, waiting for the feeling of accomplishment and success to kick in.

I received my sub license in January and began to substitute teach, and yet I was still standing by for the fulfillment and financial security.

Now, it has been 6 weeks, and damn it, I still feel like my soul is lingering outside of my body, waiting for a contracted teaching job where I could implement my own practice, in my own classroom.

When will it feel real? When will it be enough?

School has always provided me the structure I needed to be successful. As a very "type A" person, I need guidelines, frameworks and rules to follow in order to understand. 18 years in a traditional public school setting has served me beautifully in a myriad of ways, except that it has not prepared me for the unpredictability of my life and the field in which I chose to work.

I have felt so lost without this level of motivation and structure over the last couple of months. Substitute teaching is exhausting -- I wake up at 5 am during the week, not knowing if and where I am going to work that day. I teach between 20-30 unknown students, and meet no less than 10 staff members each day, completely draining the ambivert in me. I am on call all the time, in fact, I would even say that I am always on an "interview" for future teaching positions, so I must always be on top of my game. Most devastatingly, I am not able to experience the fulfillment of building relationships with and getting to know my students. It is clear to me that I never truly realized how important a routine is to my personal well-being.

Substitute teaching challenges me, which I do believe is good practice for incoming educators. I am exposed to such a wide variety of schools, teaching practices and philosophies, and students. I gain experience and knowledge that will impact and change the way I teach in the future. I also love being able to help other educators -- taking a day off, even when sick is such a burden. It makes me happy to be able to eliminate any stress I can for fellow teachers, by providing their students with a solid replacement.

However, this exhaustingly stimulating work has also brought another understanding to the surface.
I have always placed and rooted my identity in what I do to make money and move my family forward, never in what I enjoy doing or experiencing to maintain my sense of self-agency and personhood.

Self-care was not something I practiced in high school. I worked myself to the point of tears, panic attacks, and nausea, and rarely thought about ways to make myself feel better. Being stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, and fatigued was (and is) my normal.

After time in counseling, and being introduced to the idea of self-care by professionals in my undergraduate studies, I realized that my coping mechanisms and reactions to stress are unhealthy, and that while my general level of stress and anxiety was common among others in my line of work, it was most definitely not normal to be as stressed and anxious as I am.

For years, I would chuckle when anyone asked me what I did in my free time. "What free time?" I would usually respond, humored by their lack of understanding. I was a full-time student, with a plethora of jobs, volunteer ships and practicums being completed simultaneously. I stopped reading for pleasure, I spent my weekends cooped up at home doing homework, and my evenings planning for the next day. If I took a day off, I usually used it to catch up on sleep and housework that I had been slacking on. Again, this was my normal.

I am realizing now that I have so much more free time, that I am floundering and feeling so lost because I never fostered any hobbies, personal self-care practices, or interest in experiences! I spent so much of my time daydreaming about this time in my life, but only ever identified as a student and teacher. I lost the writer and avid-reader in me, the artist, the photographer, the dancer and gardener.

Clearly, this path served me the purpose of obtaining my degrees and licensure, and jet-setting me into my career. But, that part of my life has come and gone, and I have arrived where I have wanted to be for so long. I am more than a student and educator. I have so much more to me than school and work.

I am looking forward to nurturing all of the forgotten parts of me in the coming months.

This is one photo of many that I took during our huge snow storm in January.
Seeing that photography is one of my hobbies that I'd like to focus on more,
I will blog more of these photos soon. 

A Subtle Distaste for Valentine's Day

I have always been a hopeless romantic. Like, the "happily ever after", sappy and cheesy, holding outrageously high expectations, uber self-sacrificing type. Which should tell you about how I feel about Valentine's Day.

I love Valentine's Day. I remember writing poems and hand making valentines to give to the people I loved. I still write novels inside people's holiday cards, and am, at times, obnoxiously more outspoken, poetic and long winded in my writing. 

I would day dream and write in my diaries about wanting the boys I had romantic feelings for to shower me in the typical materialistic cliches; flowers (which I still love, but prefer potted and still growing), chocolate (which I also still love, but appreciate fair-trade, high quality dark chocolate more than boxes of Hershey's), teddy bears and "romantic" trips to the local Regal Cinemas to watch rom-coms and awkwardly hold hands in the dark. 

It pains me to say that my favorite movies were (and sometimes still are) romance movies. The trite, hetero-normative and sexist films that depict a woman on the search for her one true love, as if it is her life's purpose. I still have many well loved Sarah Dessen and Nicolas Sparks novels on my bookshelves. 

It's not surprising, then, to hear that in my young life, I was often left disappointed with my relationships. Who can truly live up to these unrealistic ideals on love and affection?

And while these interests are stereotypical or cliche, they are really representative of a young, naive girl, hopeful that one day she would find someone that made her feel like society told her she should. 

Fast forward six years post high school. Six beautiful years spent in love. Six years spent changing and growing and educating myself. Six years, with my best friend by my side, regardless of the difficulty. Six years, where I did not feel the love that society told me I should feel. 

It's been even better than that. 

I've felt a love that didn't pretend. 

A love that struggled. A love that grew.
A love with matrimonial cold feet, despite how much I wanted that union. 

A love that fostered independent growth and progress.

A love that made sacrifices.
A love riddled with personal insecurities. 

A love that wasn't dependent on materialism or holidays to show its truth. 

A love that I am so confident in. 

I no longer love Valentine's Day like I used to. I love it differently. I still fight the urge to celebrate according to the way the holiday is marketed, but over the years I've let go of the sparkly-fairy tale-materialistic desires created by corporate benefit. I've embraced the idea of loving all year, and celebrating privately and in ways that vary from the norm. 

So this year, we did something incredibly unique to us! In past years, we would go out to eat at places that weren't that great, or the food was far too indulgent and left us feeling ill. We'd watch a movie and do other lackluster things that weren't conducive to a deep connection.

This year, we decided to forgo gifts, and take a hike instead. We wanted to do something active, exploratory, fun and that didn't cost a lot of money. Something that made us feel good, and feel connect to ourselves, each other, and the world around us. 

Ergo, we hiked out to Wahclella Falls in the Gorge! We always feel so connected when we travel and explore the world around us. Wahclella Falls was a short but always beautiful hike, even in the rain. Everything is a beautiful shade of green, and everyone you meet on the trail is so kind.

I would still consider myself a hopeless romantic. I'm just not hopelessly dependent on the idea that love true never hurts, or struggles, or thinking that taking one day to shower your partner in lavish gifts, without truly connecting, is the best way to show your love. 

Tim and I have hurt each other. We have cried together. We have struggled. And I still love him more unconditionally than I ever could have imagined. 

Happy (super belated) Valentine's Day to everyone. Love yourself, your partner, and the world around you. 

Subtle Things & Unexpected Creativity

I haven't blogged in sometime, considering how busy I have been with school and home. But, for once, I feel like I am in complete control, feeling confident in my abilities, and I'm not so overwhelmed by it all. I actually really enjoy what I am learning, and I'm excited to be so close to teaching my own students. 

I'm hoping to get back into a regular routine of writing and blogging, especially about my teaching experiences. But, I thought I would share a tiny fraction of the things I have been working on. I had to write a reflection for my Math Curriculum and Instruction class, and the prompt was "if math were a breakfast cereal, what would it be?" I was inspired, and wrote a goofy poem as my response. 

As you can tell by my tone, math is not my favorite subject, and I am actually really anxious to teach it to students, because I know many of them feel the same way I do. But, this activity was surprisingly really fun for me, and I hope I can inject similar fun feelings into the curriculum I teach. 

Enjoy my ridiculous poem! 

Cheerios

If math were a breakfast cereal, it would be

a box of Cheerios, eaten hesitantly. 

The box is full, the cereal is bare, 

it's uses are plenty, applications fair, 

but students often feel that while it may be healthy, 

eating Cheerio's is boring, and hard to eat enjoyably. 

The shape and size is consistent, we know. 

But, where's the fun? No color, no glow. 

Whole grain, low in sugar, 

but also lacking in excitement and fervor. 

Like eating Cheerios, math can be lackluster, 

so it takes a talented teacher who can muster 

the courage and understanding to make math fun

while showing that it can be beneficial to everyone

to challenge the thinker and expand the mind,

to solve problems that aren't like in their kind.

No matter your age, no matter your level

Cheerios, like math, are actually special

because the skills you learn and the vitamins you gain

can do no harm in nourishing your brain. 

Students will see that while Cheerios are average, 

the math concepts they learn will give them an advantage. 

While math and Cheerios share similarities, 

both are nutritional, good for your self esteems. 

One has fiber and helps your body grow strong, 

the other is challenging, and fruitful lifelong. 

Subtle Things & Getting Back into Routine

As life would have it, several months have passed without awareness, As usual, these months have been oxymoronic in both their beautiful and frustrating qualities. This summer I have accomplished so much, and yet, so little that its difficult to quantify or qualify my experiences. I've been chugging along with reality, working full time and maintaining my marriage and home, but also made time to do some wonderfully fun and exciting things, so I have a hard time saying anything other than how wonderful my summer was.

Earlier this year, I created a 24 before 24 list -- a bucket list of sorts of things that I wanted to accomplish this year. My birthday is next month, and after spending my summer doing the things that I wanted, I realized just how vague and almost unimportant some of these goals are to me, and I am doing some reevaluation -- both crossing things off, and erasing goals that no longer matter or resonate with me. If you would like to see my progress, you can revisit the post here.

A lot of these goals are very lofty, like trying to fit into my high school jeans. The weight loss process is more than just counting calories, and I have learned, finally, that this isn't going to happen quickly. Setting weight loss goals or hopes is wonderful, but setting timelines for it just feeds my anxiety.

Some were vague, like "saying yes more", or "cooking more". (I find that I frustratingly try to always push myself to do more, to be better, and frankly all it does is add more stress to a life I need to pacify regardless.) Others were pointless; did I really think that I was going to run a 5k? I hate running. I always have, even when I was in the best shape.

Some I frankly just did not accomplish! I read one book all year for pleasure. ALL YEAR. I bought like 43 books, (okay, more like 7) and didn't read a single one. I have a whole shelf of books begging to be read, but honestly, I think I plan on rereading the Harry Potter series first. What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

But, I did so many great things, both on my list and off, this summer that negate being able to accomplish all 24 of those goals.  Most recently, I died my hair purple, hiked a 6 mile hike to Triple Falls and wanted to die, went to the best and most incredible concert of my life, got accepted into the Concordia MAT program, and spent time tending to my overworked body and heart by relaxing and spending time with the truest of my friends.

Some really sad and troublesome things have happened too -- long time friendships dissolving, financial and economic woes, being let go by my insurance company for my two accidents, taking two steps forward and one step back with my overall health, and a having general frustration with retail to boot. But, overall, while I feel like my summer was not what my overworking, hard to please and deeply anxious mind concocted, it was still beautiful and what my soul needed to find peace and learn even more about myself.

I always have room to grow, of course. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just be. Don't force change, but allow room for the universe to take over and figure out exactly what you need.  Baby steps.

I feel SO weird not going back to school tomorrow, so to counteract that I am going to try and get back into a regular routine, including exercising and meal planning, whoop whoop!

Here are some photos of my gloriously frustrating, too good to be bad summer. Enjoy!

Overall, I really have learned this summer that perfection in and of itself is a lofty and impossible desire. Balance, even is difficult to achieve. My new goals are simple: to be present, to be who I am, wherever I am, to be relentlessly forgiving to myself,  and to use what I already have to become better. In general:

Subtle Things and Our Wedding Anniversary Weekend

This past weekend, T and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. 

I just cannot believe how quickly these past couple years have gone. Marriage has actually, believe it or not, become easier as time as passed. We have fallen into a wonderful rhythm with each other, and learned that when we value ourselves as individuals it makes us feel more connected and much more in sync. 

More has changed than has stayed the same, and we have both grown so much. I have been very nostalgic lately, and I try to remind myself frequently that despite the struggle that may be going on now, I am going to really miss these early years of our relationship. 

In lieu of gifts, we wanted to create some experiences and try new things. So we took a long weekend and did something different everyday. 

Our first day, we spent making brunch and mimosas at home while watching The Office, and then later went to OMSI for their Ripley's exhibit and a showing of The Avengers in the Empirical Theatre. We also stopped at the OMSI docks, which were filled with people swimming and listening to music on their boom boxes. We had dinner at Dick's Kitchen, which is a sustainable, eco-friendly burger place in SE. They had the greatest burgers, their famous NOT fries, and kombucha on tap. Delish! 

The next day was laid back as well. We came out to the PSU farmers market to have lunch and bought a bunch of fabulous produce. 

The third day, we spent entirely in bed, which was such a treat after how busy this year has been. 

Perhaps the most fun and adventurous day we spent together was the last one. We decided to drive out to the Columbia River Gorge, and hiked Oneonta Creek up to the falls. I was initially hesitant and doubtful of my athletic abilities, but I am SO glad we went. 

You walk down these really steep stairs off Historic Highway 3o into the creek right away, and after about 100 feet, you reach a huge log jam that you have to climb over and through to get to the falls. (The picture really doesn't do it justice.) This was so much fun, and was challenging because of how crowded it was. I have bruises and scrapes all over my shins from crawling all around. 

Once you pass the log jam, you walk into this beautiful chasm and wade through water, climb over fallen logs, and right before you get to the falls, you have to swim/walk through waist deep water, holding your backpacks above your head! 

The falls were spectacular. The water was warm, and when Tim and I got to the end, we just stood, waist deep in the pool, admiring what we had just done, and how much fun it was! 

Because the hike was so short, we decided to double back and continue hiking through the creek in the opposite direction. We found out that if you wade through the water under the sketchy I-84 bridge, it takes you directly out onto a beach on the Columbia River! We took about an hour to swim in the river and admire the beauty of the Gorge. 

I can't remember the last time I felt so happy, proud and at peace in my life. I felt like myself, who I was meant to be, and a part of the beautiful world and landscape around me. 

We have plans to go again next week with some members of my family, and then the following week, we're going to try and find Abiqua Falls! It looks challenging, beautiful, and elusive because it is difficult to drive to, but I am looking forward to the memories we will make together. 

Two years into a lifetime, already. 

Subtle Balance in All Things

And just like that, T and I ended our second round of Whole30. 

We started the month off prepared; we bought all the groceries we needed, meal planned, and even precut and prepped our food. 

But, even just one day in, T and I could tell that we just weren't in it. 

I've been feeling off balance for quite some time, because of how busy I've been the last five years with school and work. But even now that I'm in the exact opposite situation where I am only working and have so much more time to myself, I feel off kilter still. 

I read an article that someone posted, and it asked the following question: do you use Whole30 (and other detox/diet/whatever you want to call it programs) multiple times a year to justify disordered eating? 

And I got to thinking about how I eat, and how I generally live my life. I am an all or nothing person. While temptations arise, I flourish in the Whole30 when there are strict rules and guidelines to follow. And God knows that I can eat chocolate and sweets until I die. It's the middle ground, the every day life, the moderation that I can't seem to grasp. 

As someone who suffers from binge eating disorder, and has since childhood, I need to learn to honor that space of moderation, and find a balanced and real relationship with food -- not just eating whatever I want, or what some program tells me to. 

My journey to finding health in my life is far different than many others. It's not just about losing weight and working out at the gym, and eating low calorie cheats. For me, it's about finding the space in the middle where even after weight loss, I will live healthfully and happily. Balanced. 

Today, I tried to find that balance in my life. I found it in some ways, and overdid it in others. But going to the beach and doing something so peaceful and active made me excited for the summer and the ways that I am going to cherish and value myself. 

Here are some photos from today! 

 

Subtle Things & Another Round of Whole30

Despite all the wonderful things that have happened in my life over the last few months, I feel like I am in a deep rut. Graduation was exciting, but ultimately anti-climatic, and now that some time has passed, I feel unchanged. I question my decision to not go straight into a year long Master of Arts in Teaching program. I question my decision to attend a university that does not offer teaching certification within their baccalaureate degrees. I question myself for feeling let down after reaching such a huge and momentous accomplishment.

After my May Whole30, I went back into my life hesitantly. So many exciting things were happening, and there was so much to get done. I thought little about the food I was eating, and was able to stay relatively paleo with some fun celebratory eats.  However, three weeks post Whole30 is a different story. I am back to working full time at the Market. Back to having free time. Back to having more temptations and time to eat.

I've decided to start another Whole30 beginning tomorrow -- I don't want to wait and give myself time to think about the cons. I want to do this wholeheartedly and get back to the confident and happy person I was just a couple weeks ago.

I would, however, like to do things a bit differently this time around. Here are my Whole30 Round 2 goals:

• Eat more green vegetables. This is my highest regret from my previous round. I ate vegetables, but mostly ones that I was very comfortable with like carrots, cucumbers, bell peppers, zucchini, and (so many) brussels sprouts. This time, I want to make sure to get a couple leafy veggies in a day. I just bought and chopped a bunch of rainbow swiss chard to saute into my breakfasts!  

• No more dried fruit! This shit is like candy. Especially the dried strawberries. I could eat a whole bag in one sitting, and that binge eating desire is something I want to stay the hell away from on the Whole30. 

• Follow the Whole9 Principles. The Whole30 creators' original company was Whole9. They have nine specific principles that they believe are integral to a well rounded and healthy life. Last time, I focused solely on food, which is only one aspect of my life. This time, I want to reign in other areas too, like Socialization, Natural Environment, and Personal Growth. 

• I want to give myself 30 minutes of activity each day, for obvious and important reasons. I'd like to do this in the form of things I love, like hiking, swimming, dancing and yoga. I'm not a gym person, and I don't believe in doing the StairMaster until the point of vomiting. I think that exercise should be fun, involve the world around me, and foster a sustainable and spiritually connected future. This isn't about the "gains" for me. It's about changing my life, losing weight, and looking forward to doing that healthy way of life long term. (I'll probably throw some squats in there though, because: dat ass.) 

• Also, maintaining a supplement and facial care regimen, and keeping acupuncture in my life. Anxiety and acne are two obstacles I really struggle with, and I'd like to keep a handle on those things. (I've been doing Aztec clay masks a couple times a week and really enjoy it!) 

July is filled with a lot of exciting reasons to celebrate, Independence Day, my brother's birthday, and my second wedding anniversary (!!) among them. I think it will be a great opportunity for me to realize that celebrations don't  have to be accompanied by food or actions that make me less healthy and less happy. Celebrations are for spending time with people you love, doing things that create memories and smiles, and eating things that enable you to live happily. 

Here are some photos of a couple weeks ago when T and I hiked Eagle Creek up to Punchbowl Falls. I want my life to include a lot more of days like this. 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer!