Subtle Things, and Goals & Dreams

I've never truly been satisfied with where I am.

This can be a good and bad thing. I don't settle for mediocrity, I don't like being stagnant. I am ambitious, and always looking towards the future.

But in the same regard, I also miss out a lot on what my life surrounds me with and offers me. I am so focused on reaching my destination, that I don't take in the joy and beauty and realization that occur during the journey or process.

This is a list of 24 things that I want to accomplish before I turn 24 (an old friend inspired me to do this!). This list both encompasses my need to improve and plan and push ahead, but also settles me and helps me to remember to stop and absorb the subtleties that life presents.

1. Graduate with my BA in Child and Family Studies from PSU. 
2. Contact a naturopathic doctor and get started on a holistic and spiritual journey towards health. (Yes, I put something on my list that I already accomplished, because that's the kind of person I am.) 
3. Become a yogi. Namaste. 
4. Maintain a deactivated Facebook account in order to separate myself from social media and present myself and my life in a more honest way.  5 months down! 
5. Hike Multnomah Falls, Angels Rest, and Oneonta Falls (Update: We've hiked this three times and love it!), among other gorge-ous (see what I did there?) trails. Update: 6/5 -- Punch-bowl Falls Hiked! Update: In August, we hiked to Triple Falls in the Oneonta Gorge. Update: Hiked to Wahclella Falls! 
6. Blog at least once a week. 
7. Get those tattoos you've been wanting forever.  I got 4 tattoos last year :)
8. Dance again. In your living room in your underwear, and in dance classes with friends. 
9. Narrow it down to a list of two grad schools and begin the application process. (Lewis & Clark, and Concordia?)  Update: Officially accepted into the MAT program at Concordia starting in  January! 
10. High school jeans, baby. (At least by the end of the year). 
11. Pay off all credit card debt, and one auto loan. 
12. Finally preserve my wedding dress, after fitting into it one last time. 
13. Say "no" to things that do not benefit me. 
14. Alternatively, find the courage to say "yes" more. 
15. Read at least 10 books on my reading list. (Currently: Amy Poehler's Yes, Please ; Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging out without Me? And Other Concerns.) 
16. De-clutter and simplify my home of material items. Do I really need that coffee maker, considering I don't drink coffee?
17. Take time off. From everything. 
18. Attend a concert. (Foo Fighters? Mumford and Sons? John Mayer? DMB?) Foo Fighters were so good. :3 
19. Cook more! 
20. Make time for friends and family. 
21. Do something once a day that does not revolve around school, work or chores. Nourish yourself. 
22. Start a 401k and savings plan. 
23. Attend counseling on a regular basis. Learn to sit with your emotions and anxieties, and move past them. 
24. Run a 5k. Even though I despise running. Because boobs. 

There you have it! Hopefully these goals and my accomplishment of them will foster and inspire some more blog posts. (Ahem, goal #6). 2015 is looking pretty swell. 

Subtle Things & Dealing with Loss

My grandmother died today.

I got the call this morning from my dad. It wasn't one of those times where I knew what was going to happen, or got a bad vibe when I saw he was calling. I wasn't expecting this news at all.

I didn't cry immediately; it took a few preemptive moments for me to process the news. My husband woke up to the call, and was quick to comfort me, despite my hesitation to express my grief.

The tears eventually spilled over the barriers of my eyes and fell as I fought to keep them in while I processed the facts, and questioned the reality of the situation. I tried to comfort myself with overused cliches about her passing, but they didn't calm the waves of emotion I was experiencing.

Instead, I desperately tried to remember the last time I spoke to her. Hugged her. And the frustrating truth emerged -- three and seven years, respectively. Three tremendously eventful years of my life had gone by since I last conversed with her. Seven years ago was the last time I saw her in person, hugged her, took photos with her. These devastating numbers have stuck with me today.

These past seven years without her have been difficult. Without exposing all of my family history, my grandmother was a victim of alcoholism, mental illness, and a plethora of medical issues. A couple of people who I refuse to acknowledge as family, despite their blood relation, took advantage of her, and took her from me.

For the first half of my life, my grandma was the only grandparent I had regularly involved in my life. She visited every summer, spent hours with my sister and I putting on lipstick and her jewelry. I could count on a phone call from her on every holiday, and a birthday card with a letter inside annually. Despite the distance, my grandma made extreme efforts to show and demonstrate her love and affection for my siblings and I.

The last time I spoke to her was when I told her that I was engaged, and I still remember how excited she was. I can still hear her laughter and her deeply set Fargo dialect. I remember the sadness I felt when she said she couldn't travel to my wedding.

Months went by and I remember the frustration I felt when her illness got the better of her and she refused to speak to us. I sent her save-the-dates and wedding invitations in the hopes that she'd come back to us.

My wedding came and went, and she no longer remembered us.

It wasn't until later this past year that she felt compelled to speak to us again. But, because of her illness, she didn't have much memory. She only spoke to my dad.

Last I heard, she remembered that I was married and asked if T and I had kids yet.

I've been sick to my stomach all day, torn about how to grieve, questioning my pain, wondering if I even had a right to grieve due to our lack of contact. She is my first loss and I feel deeply lost. I found my childhood jewelry box, and in it was a gold ring with a pink tourmaline gemstone that she had given me when I was young. I keep staring at it, hoping that it will bring me some sort of peace.

I hope that she remembered us all when she died. I hope she was sober in her final moments. I hope she passed quickly without fear or worry or pain. I truly hope that she is resting peacefully and that wherever she is now, she is healthy and vital and experiencing the unrelenting happiness she deserves. But most of all, I hope she knows how valued and loved she is, despite the things that kept us apart.




Goodbye, Grandma.

Subtle Things and Changing my Last Name

Today, I changed my name.

Well, legally. Emotionally, I claimed the Elmer name the moment we put our hands in the air and walked back down the isle to "You're My Best Friend" by Queen. 

But, today I legally applied for a new social security card and driver's license under the my new name: Amanda Nicole Elmer. 

It's incredibly exciting! Finally, I am my husband's wife. His Mrs. Elmer. When we have a family, we will all share the same last name. (And, I'm really excited to start using the signature that I have been practicing for almost two years now.)

For some reason, however, I am feeling nostalgic, and attached to my maiden name. Don't get me wrong -- I changed my name on Facebook and Instagram to Amanda Elmer pretty much as soon as we got in the car to head to the hotel. I had been anticipating this change for such a long time! And I never thought I would hesitate. 

As excited as I am, I suddenly feel like I am losing my identity. Being the oldest child in my family, I established the Dostert name. It was one that reflected passion, drive, dedication and compassion, and when people heard that name they knew that they would interact with a kind person who cared about the happiness of others. 

Being a Dostert was unique -- to the point where almost no one could pronounce it correctly on their first go. I grew accustomed and even attached to my mispronounced name. While it is pronounced "Daw-stert", I was also "Doh-stert" and proud to be so. (In fact, I have fond memories of my now-husband-then-best-friend calling me that.) 

The Dostert line is a line of hard-working and caring people. People who have struggled to overcome some of the hardest obstacles imaginable. People who laughed hard and loved even harder, and people who made large personal sacrifices for the joy of others.

Most importantly, though, Dostert's are family people. With a history of large families within the line, it's no wonder why I identify so well with my ancestors and relatives. As the oldest of seven, I grew up with family as my number one priority. And this instilled in me the desire to have a big, close-knit family myself. 

I have to realize that while I may no longer be a Dostert on paper, I will forever be one in my heart. I will still be my parents' daughter and siblings' sister.

The girl everyone knew to be loving and compassionate, hardworking and bold. I will still be myself. 

I can take these cherished values and traits and turn my little Elmer family into one I can be proud to have. One I can be happy to identify with. I can make the already incredible Elmer name an even better one, with all of those attributes that I hold dear.

Changing my name makes me so excited to start a family and raise my little Elmer children to be as loving as their mom and as confident and funny as their dad; To graduate college as Amanda Elmer and establish a name for myself in my field; To teach as Mrs. Elmer; to maybe even start a couple businesses with my husband as the Elmer's. 

Despite my momentary hesitation, my future as an Elmer is bright, I can tell. 

The Subtle Lessons I have Learned from Six Weeks of Marriage

Today marks exactly six weeks since I married my best friend and the love of my life --  

Which is something that I still have a hard time processing; It really feels as if it was a week or two ago. 

(The real kicker was washing the window paint off our car. Wow. We aren't wedding planning or honeymooning anymore.) 

But at the same time, it also feels like we have been married for years, and those last six weeks have been both chaotic and boring, and like the blink of an eye, we are here: living as a married couple, working full-time, and preparing for our future.  

And while we may still be newlyweds, and even though we have lived together for almost three years now, I am overwhelmed by what I have learned about weddings, marriages, and myself over the last month and a half. Marriage really is an incredible learning experience. 

The Subtle Lessons I have Learned from Six Weeks of Marriage:

1. Nothing really changes. 

"How does it feel to be married?" Honestly? The same. 

My life hasn't changed at all since I said my vows, and took Tim's last name (Well, spiritually. I haven't yet made that change legal). We still live in the same house, have the same jobs, the same routine, the same pet peeves and irritations. We are the same exact people. 

Which, frankly was almost frustrating. I think the romantic in me got so caught up in the wedding planning chaos that she forgot about being a realist. Marriage really is built up to be this life-altering, momentous occasion. And while the big day may feel that way, let's be real - you still have to come home to the toilet seat being left up, and dirty dishes in the sink. 

However, being unaltered from a marriage isn't a bad thing, necessarily. Tim is still my best friend, and we still have the best time together, and we have the same connection as we did pre-nuptials. My husband is my rock, just as he has always been. And while it may not have changed immediately after we signed our license, our relationship will continue (just as it always has) to grow and develop with us. 

2. Marriage can be lonely. 

This ties into a great blog that I read by Allison Vesterfelt . The reality is that marriage doesn't end your loneliness. Tim and I still work the same jobs with the same conflicting schedules. There are sequences of days where I really only interact with him over the phone, or in the car on the way to work. It's tiring and saddening and definitely lonely. However, I am comforted when I think of how our future will eventually be with a more regular job schedule, a more comfortable financial situation, and a family.

On the contrary, it's also easy to be so involved in your relationship with your husband that you stop nurturing your relationships with your friends and family, and even yourself. As happy as you can be being married to your best friend, you still need time with your girlfriends, or your mom, dad and siblings. And you definitely still need "you" time. Remember to put efforts into all important relationships. 

3. Marriage doesn't fix everything. 

It's true. Getting married doesn't erase your student loans, or reduce your electric bill. Marriage doesn't make stress disappear or do your homework for you. If you had insecurities before you said "I do", they don't fall away as you become man and wife -- I know that for sure. You will still experience sadness, anger, anxiety and worry. You will feel unattractive at times, and you will have terrible, terrible days.

But, the good thing about marriage is that you have someone to come home to every night, and if nothing else, get it all out in the air. In sickness and in health, after all. 

I am incredibly lucky that most nights, I have my best friend to make me laugh and forget about whatever was on my mind, even if it was only for a little while.  

4. They honeymoon doesn't last forever. 

As cliche as it sounds, it rings true -- we aren't in Maui anymore. 

Our life isn't always going to be as relaxing, exciting, and romantic as the honeymoon was. You aren't always going to have such uninterrupted time together. In fact, you may have to fight for it at times. You may get bored sometimes by the routine of everyday life. You'll get stuck in ruts, and And you will most definitely argue and fight. And while the amount may vary couple to couple, it will happen. You may as well prepare yourself. 

But, sometimes those outbursts and frustrations are necessary. They help you get everything out in the air, and reveal your raw and emotional side. As long as they aren't violent, they are important to the growth and development of your relationship. Disagreeing and working out your problems are important for both your individuality and your duality. 

5. You have to work for it. 

If I had to emphasize one thing, this is it:  Marriages take a lot of work. A lot. 

When we still had the paint on our car, we got congratulated a lot on the road. But my favorite moment was when an older gentleman (whom we had never met) rolled down his window, and wished us all the happiness in the world. But one thing he said stuck with me. He said that "there will be one or two bad days, but when times get tough, just remember to fight for the 'us' in you!" 

Your marriage has to be the number one priority. You have to make sacrifices for each other, and work at it everyday. Marriage is for life, right? Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who doesn't make them a priority? Certainly not me. 

All in all, marrying my husband was the greatest decision I have ever made. And, I feel the resounding truth in that statement echo in my heart, even just six weeks into our marriage. 

And even though some of these lessons may have come as a surprise, I am fully prepared and equipped to deal with them, with my whole heart for my whole life. 

15 Subtle Things to Thank My Lucky Stars For

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."  -- Denis Waitley

Life is busy (as is evident by my lack of writing lately...) and I've been feeling weighed down and preoccupied by everything running through my mind.

As I just celebrated my 21st birthday, and Thanksgiving is approaching, I realize that even though I have so many stresses in my life, I have even more reasons to be thankful.

Here are 15 things that I thank my lucky stars for.

1. First and foremost, I am so thankful that I have made it to the age of 21. And, not only that, but I am healthy and thriving. I may not be exactly where I want to be with my body and my self-image, but I am working hard to integrate health, nutrition, and exercise into my everyday life. I am proud of myself for that.

2. I am 21 years old, and I never had a sip of alcohol in my life until I turned 21. Believe me or not, but this is a goal that I have held steadfast for my whole life. I lived up to my own expectations, and I am thankful for my self control and willpower, temptation be damned!


3. I cannot express my gratitude for the ability to attend Portland State University. I love the campus, the city, the liberal feel. I am thankful that I was able to take some time off, and realize my love once again. 

4. In relation to that, I am thankful that I finally know and understand what I want to do with my life, and what path I will take at PSU. After months of stress and contemplation of a major change, and even a transfer of schools, I know that I want to major in Child and Family Studies, with a minor in early elementary education, and Spanish. I plan to get my MA in Education, as well as my teaching license, and I toy around with the idea of being a counselor or even a principal of an elementary school one day.

5. As much as I resent it sometimes, I am thankful for my job. I have room for growth and better benefits than a lot of people my age are able to obtain.

6. This goes without saying, but I am so incredibly grateful for my family! I would never change anything about them. They are my light and my support, and have been for my entire life.



7. I am really lucky to have been able to travel a lot within the most recent years of my life. I've taken lots of trips on the West Coast, including 4 trips down to SoCal, trips up to Seattle, and all the places in between. Even a trip to Hawaii! I just got back from a trip down to Laguna Beach to visit my sister who is working hard at pursuing her dreams. It is such a blessing to be able to financially support occasional trips like that.

8. I am thankful that I am not a starving college student (most of the time.) Tim and I live paycheck to paycheck, but have room to pay our bills and buy groceries each week, with a little room to save.

9. I am thankful that I am health insured! In fact, the flu shot I got a couple weeks ago was completely covered. It is a blessing to not have to worry about something so necessary.

10. I love this time of year! I am thankful for the weather -- all the colors are so refreshing.

11. I am thankful for the little things. Honestly, they are the things that motivate me and excite me. Coming home to a hug from my fiance, or having a cup of hot chocolate while I do my homework are some of the best parts of my day.

12. I got really lucky with  my soon to be mother-in-law. Seriously, guys, she is awesome. I am so thankful to have her in my life. I love talking with her and getting to know her. She raised the man of my dreams, and I owe her so much for that.

13. I am thankful for my bridesmaids. These 5 girls are such a strong source of support, and they are true friends. I've finally got it figured out now!

14. This goes without saying, but I am more thankful than I can express for my fiance. He truly loves me for who I am, as cliche as it sounds. He supports all my dreams and understands my idiosyncrasies. He is my best friend, and the best person I could have ever asked to share my life with.

15. In an attempt to not be self-deprecating, I am making an effort to be thankful for myself. The triumphs in my life only happen because I achieve them. I am living for me.

Oh, and to all of you actually reached the end of this very long and sappy post, I am also thankful for you! 

Surrendering the Subtle Things

Sometimes, you have to waive that white flag. Throw in the towel. Quit.

That's right, I said it. Sometimes you have to quit.

Growing up, we are told to stick things through. Don't give up. Never say never. Quitting is bad.

But, if quitting means that you'll be better in the long run, what is so bad about it?

I mean sure, if you are part of a team, and by quitting you put them in a hard spot, that can be "bad". When other people have to suffer, quitting isn't always the best option. When it comes to things that effect others, then your decision needs to be heavily considered.

I think that sometimes we have to quit, because we have to let go of the things are no longer doing us any good. We are only human, and not everything we are doing, or trying to hold together are going to be continuously beneficial.

Sometimes, it's sad. Or frustrating. Or confusing. Or whole lot of mixed emotions that are really  hard to pinpoint. But, that's okay. It's okay to feel this way now, because a few days, weeks, months, or maybe even years down the road, you are going to feel relieved instead.

Sometimes, you just have to do what's best for yourself.

In high school when guard got tough because we got a shitty coach, I didn't quit, and despite how badly I wanted to walk away when his cigarette breath and body odor were screaming into my face when we had a particularly bad run, I didn't for the sake of my team.
For the sake of my pride. For the sake if knowing that I could tough it out.

When things get rough between Tim and I, we don't quit, we communicate and express what's frustrating us. I'd never quit on him.

There are a few things I've quit though: I quit dancing without thinking. I needed a break from school and dropped all my classes in the middle of winter term last year, which caused me a plethora of financial aide problems. I recently just cut one of my closest friends from my life.

Quitting all those things, sooner or later, has caused me a great deal of grief.

But the beauty about quitting is that it provides me the opportunity to have a fresh start, whenever I desire. Or, I can take my time off and pick up exactly where I left off.

I am back into school, and the level of appreciation is so much higher. I cannot wait to see how happy I will be when I am reunited with dance, or if I rekindle my broken friendship.



“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.”
---- Osayi Osar-Emokpae

Subtle Things & Streams of Conciousness

My fingers have been itching to write something new for a while now. I will literally sit down at my desk, open a new template, and ponder for an hour on what to write -- eventually calling it quits.

But, I want so badly to write; to formulate my thoughts. To express an emotion with efficiency and grace. To drive a point home. To feel the incomparable feeling of relief when everything is finally out in the open.

But yet, I can't find a topic to write about. So, this is what I do. I sit at my desk, start a new template, and I type. And type. Erase what I have written, and I start over.

The desire to accurately describe a feeling, to the point of simultaneously encouraging that feeling in others is something I strive to do. Always. I wish so deeply that you all could feel the happiness I do when I wake up next to my best friend every morning. Or, the sense of accomplishment I feel when I complete a work out. It really is as if all of my stresses are eliminated for a mere second. The beauty of feelings, though, is that they are completely unique to the individual, like snowflakes or zebra stripes, feelings vary in each being, and everyone feels them in their own way.

This drives me to believe that beauty in life is fleeting. We can be happy for seconds to hours to weeks at a time, but it can change in a moment. Life is made up of moments. I want to remember as many moments as I can.

I don't want to say YOLO (because it's dumb, first of all, but really who knows what happens after this life?), but I have a strong desire to truly live up to all of the expectations I have for myself. I have so many goals and wants and desires that it seems like it's not possible. It seems over confident to believe that I can accomplish everything I want in my mere 100 (if I am lucky) years of life.

It is so effortless to get so swept up by the melancholia of life, that we completely forget that we have such a short time to...be. To feel. To experience. To share. We have such a limited time to develop, to love. 100 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. When we are caught up in the bustle of monetary problems, drama among relationships, guilt, fear, embarrassment, days drag on for what seems like weeks, and weeks feel like months, and months to years and suddenly it seems as if death is a myth, and that life is going to drag on forever. But the reality is, that life can be swept up from under our stance in less than a second.

So, before the inevitable takes action, I am going to do all I can to be. To feel. To experience. To share. To develop, to love.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson