Subtle Things & Becoming a First Generation College Graduate

I'd like to take a moment to show that I just recently crossed a pretty important goal off my "24 before 24" bucket list!

1. Graduate with my BA in Child and Family Studies from PSU. 

WOO HOO! I am a mother-fucking first generation college graduate!

I spent the last several months anxiously anticipating this time of my life, and even doubting that I could get myself here. It is SO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when you are barely able to stand up and look forward. I have tested my strengths and abilities, even at one point working two jobs, volunteering and taking full time coursework, and I am so thankful to have some closure. To feel accomplished. And to be able to honor how hard I've worked these last five years, and simultaneously move on from PSU and into the rest of my life. (Which does include a lifetime of continued education.)

Yesterday was such a beautiful and hectic day! The weather was perfect, I had a great hair day, and I was so lucky to be able to spend the day with all the important people in my life. My in-law's prepared a delicious BBQ lunch for my family and myself outside in their beautiful backyard, and then we all commuted together to The Moda Center where we waited around for what seemed like hours for my 20 seconds of fame. Afterwards, we all went cosmic bowling and wound down from the day we had.

The PSU graduation was so big (over 6,000 graduates!) that they split it into two ceremonies. Even then, the ceremony took three hours. It was such a crazy feeling to be such a small part of something so big. When they played "Pomp and Circumstance" on repeat and I entered into the arena through a tunnel, I instantly heard my family call my name among the crowd and I was able to locate them right away. That was so wonderful and comforting. My family even sent in pictures and messages that were displayed on the Jumbo Tron.

The ceremony, while exciting at first, dragged on and was terribly boring! I spent my time talking with my classmates and admiring how other students had decorated their caps. Mine was Harry Potter themed, and was quite popular! People were gawking at it all day.

When the time came for me to walk across the stage, I was so focused on not tripping that I never smiled into the camera. But, who cares? I know how happy I am to have earned this degree, and to be done for the time being.

Life still feels normal. It feels uncomfortably, awkwardly and weirdly normal. I go back to work in a couple days and will spend my summer working full time and saving up money so that I can begin the next phase of my educational career: grad school! If all goes as planned, I will be attending Concordia University in January to complete the Master of Arts in Teaching Program, where I will also receive my teaching certification. It's only a year long program -- I know I can do this! And after the year is up, I will finally be where I want to be -- running my own elementary school classroom and teaching!

Right now, I am mostly looking forward to a bit of a break, and spending my summer outside, hiking, camping, reading, laying in the grass and eating watermelon. The best really is yet to come. 

Subtle Things and Swollen Cheeks

This weekend is another one of those times where I am forced to slow down. And, frankly, I'm not digging it for many reasons; boredom, food restraints, pain and swollen cheeks among them.

But, my husband has been so sweet in taking care of me post-op, my friends and family have been so kind checking in on me, and the timing was right because classes right now are pretty low-key.

Sometimes self-care isn't pleasant or fun. But it is always necessary.

Subtle Things & San Francisco Stole My Heart

For those that know me, they know I am a city girl at my very core. I love how small I feel in a city, like I am a part of something so much bigger. The sounds of cars and people talking and electricity calm me. I love being embedded in something so multifaceted and fast paced. 

As a Portland girl, I knew I would love San Francisco, but I was still taken aback by just how much I was captivated by this place, and every time I go back, I feel a stronger and stronger pull. 

This Spring Break, I was so lucky to be able to make the 10 hour drive down to the bay area with T and our best friends, and get my bay area fix. 

I had the best burrito of my life, got lost in the Mission, got in my first (minor) auto collision, took so many pictures, got pho and pedicures with my best friend, explored parts of SF that I had never seen, and even got to catch up with my aunt and cousins after many years. 

San Francisco is my happy place. 

On The Precipice of Subtle Things

Have you ever felt like you could taste the good things coming in your life? Like, you are so close to all of the things that you want and wish for and dream about, that you can feel the ghosts of their impending presence? That's how I have been feeling a lot lately -- like all of the difficulty and struggle that I have endured over the last few years is finally going to prove it's value. Like if true happiness were a person, I could see them dancing in the distance.

In January, I finally bit the bullet and found a naturopathic doctor in my insurance network, and scheduled a visit with them. I was so nervous because of my previous experiences with Western doctors, and I was fearful of judgement from this practitioner but I couldn't have been more surprised. I was welcomed and validated immediately, and after a discussion of my personal and familial medical histories, we came up with a plan on how to naturally and healthfully alleviate my symptoms, as well as start building me up so that I can create a healthy lifestyle, and prepare my body for motherhood (in the future).

In combination with the counseling sessions I have been attending (one of the best decisions of my life -- I would recommend seeing a counselor to anybody), I really feel like a whole new woman, with a much better grasp on my physical, mental and emotional health.

I think the most important understanding I have gained through all of this, is the importance of valuing yourself as an individual, and taking the time for self-care. In years past, I would overload my schedule and take on way to much, in an attempt to please other people, provide for other people. I wouldn't quit things, even when I hated them because I didn't want to let other people down. But in reality, all I was doing was harming myself. Not allowing myself to feel things fully, and distracting myself from the realities of my life.

That is so unhealthy and self deprecating! Not feeling, not enjoying, not focusing on the now, and not taking time to slow down and take care of the miraculous machine that is your body only leads to unhealthy habits and a lack of lived life.

As graduation (*happy dance*) approaches, and this college phase of my life comes to an end (for now) all I can think about is taking the time to just be. Be still. Be calm. Be happy, Be healthy. For too long, I've considered anything other than school work to be a form of procrastinating. Even now, as I write this, I am thinking in the back of my mind "what else can I be doing right now?". But, I'm working to tune that idea out as I sit here writing, with the sound of sweet Oregon rain in the background.

It makes me sad to think of how many small and subtle things that I have missed over the last couple years, but I know that I can make up for it. The best me is still out there, but I see her dancing in the distance.

Subtle Things & Ramblings

This week's six word memoir: 

Feeling ground beneath my feet again. 

The (not so) Subtle Hatred I Feel for Finals

Furiously treading water, barely keeping afloat. 

Subtle Things & This Week's 6-Word Memoir

I have always been captivated by the idea of six-word memoirs -- using succinct and beautiful language to convey meaning and experience in a limited frame.

I think that this format can really pull some incredibly mysterious but engaging combinations of word and feeling.

I'm hoping to share at least one a week.

Here goes nothing;

Beckoned to slow, and reasonably so.