On The Precipice of Subtle Things

Have you ever felt like you could taste the good things coming in your life? Like, you are so close to all of the things that you want and wish for and dream about, that you can feel the ghosts of their impending presence? That's how I have been feeling a lot lately -- like all of the difficulty and struggle that I have endured over the last few years is finally going to prove it's value. Like if true happiness were a person, I could see them dancing in the distance.

In January, I finally bit the bullet and found a naturopathic doctor in my insurance network, and scheduled a visit with them. I was so nervous because of my previous experiences with Western doctors, and I was fearful of judgement from this practitioner but I couldn't have been more surprised. I was welcomed and validated immediately, and after a discussion of my personal and familial medical histories, we came up with a plan on how to naturally and healthfully alleviate my symptoms, as well as start building me up so that I can create a healthy lifestyle, and prepare my body for motherhood (in the future).

In combination with the counseling sessions I have been attending (one of the best decisions of my life -- I would recommend seeing a counselor to anybody), I really feel like a whole new woman, with a much better grasp on my physical, mental and emotional health.

I think the most important understanding I have gained through all of this, is the importance of valuing yourself as an individual, and taking the time for self-care. In years past, I would overload my schedule and take on way to much, in an attempt to please other people, provide for other people. I wouldn't quit things, even when I hated them because I didn't want to let other people down. But in reality, all I was doing was harming myself. Not allowing myself to feel things fully, and distracting myself from the realities of my life.

That is so unhealthy and self deprecating! Not feeling, not enjoying, not focusing on the now, and not taking time to slow down and take care of the miraculous machine that is your body only leads to unhealthy habits and a lack of lived life.

As graduation (*happy dance*) approaches, and this college phase of my life comes to an end (for now) all I can think about is taking the time to just be. Be still. Be calm. Be happy, Be healthy. For too long, I've considered anything other than school work to be a form of procrastinating. Even now, as I write this, I am thinking in the back of my mind "what else can I be doing right now?". But, I'm working to tune that idea out as I sit here writing, with the sound of sweet Oregon rain in the background.

It makes me sad to think of how many small and subtle things that I have missed over the last couple years, but I know that I can make up for it. The best me is still out there, but I see her dancing in the distance.

Subtle Things & Ramblings

This week's six word memoir: 

Feeling ground beneath my feet again. 

The (not so) Subtle Hatred I Feel for Finals

Furiously treading water, barely keeping afloat. 

Subtle Things & This Week's 6-Word Memoir

I have always been captivated by the idea of six-word memoirs -- using succinct and beautiful language to convey meaning and experience in a limited frame.

I think that this format can really pull some incredibly mysterious but engaging combinations of word and feeling.

I'm hoping to share at least one a week.

Here goes nothing;

Beckoned to slow, and reasonably so. 

Subtle Things & Things to Look Forward to!

"18. Attend a concert. (Foo Fighters? Mumford and Sons? John Mayer? DMB?)" 

Goal number 18 is officially in the process: On September 12, the husband and I will be going to see the Foo Fighters World Tour at the Gorge Ampitheater!

I am so, SO excited! I haven't been to concert in almost two years, and I have never been to this beautiful performance venue, so I am really excited to make the trip out there with Tim.

The Foo Fighters are Tim's favorite band, hands down. They have been for as long as I can remember, and what's funny is that they never have been mine. Any songs that I did like of them were the ones that were commonly played on 105.1 the Buzz, or Z100. I remember many 'fights' over the choice of music in the car, or over what band played while we cleaned our home.

Last September though, when two of my best friends got married, they handed out a mixed CD as a wedding favor, and on it they had recorded the song "Home", by Foo. I don't know if it was the lyrics, or the personal relationship and meaning with the song that the two held so dear, but I quickly fell in love with the song, and I haven't looked back. It is still one of my favorites, and playing it instantly reaches a place in my soul that calms me and levels me.

I have 119 of their songs in my music library, more than any other artist. And now when Tim and I go on road trips or just want to listen to some awesome music, we have another mutual band on our list. (They join John Mayer, Michael Jackson and Mumford & Sons -- it's a very elite group.)

Plus, Dave Grohl is a pretty badass guy, and I like hearing what he has to say on a lot of issues, and supporting his music.

I definitely love this band more than I ever thought I would. I will admit that I questioned my interest for a while -- what are my reasons for this? Is it simply because my husband likes them, or am I personally invested?

I got my answer when I was driving to class the other day, and I found myself drumming on my steering wheel and belting out the lyrics to "Let it Die", and feeling fully in the moment, which is something that I have a hard time doing. These are the songs that I stay in the car longer than I need to, so I can listen to them in their entirety. The songs that I never skip when I have my playlists on shuffle.

It feels good to really enjoy something in such a personal way, but also have a mutual interest in with my husband. In a really subtle way, it makes me happier individually, and it brings another connected thread into my marriage.

I can't wait for September!

Subtle Things, and Goals & Dreams

I've never truly been satisfied with where I am.

This can be a good and bad thing. I don't settle for mediocrity, I don't like being stagnant. I am ambitious, and always looking towards the future.

But in the same regard, I also miss out a lot on what my life surrounds me with and offers me. I am so focused on reaching my destination, that I don't take in the joy and beauty and realization that occur during the journey or process.

This is a list of 24 things that I want to accomplish before I turn 24 (an old friend inspired me to do this!). This list both encompasses my need to improve and plan and push ahead, but also settles me and helps me to remember to stop and absorb the subtleties that life presents.

1. Graduate with my BA in Child and Family Studies from PSU. 
2. Contact a naturopathic doctor and get started on a holistic and spiritual journey towards health. (Yes, I put something on my list that I already accomplished, because that's the kind of person I am.) 
3. Become a yogi. Namaste. 
4. Maintain a deactivated Facebook account in order to separate myself from social media and present myself and my life in a more honest way.  5 months down! 
5. Hike Multnomah Falls, Angels Rest, and Oneonta Falls (Update: We've hiked this three times and love it!), among other gorge-ous (see what I did there?) trails. Update: 6/5 -- Punch-bowl Falls Hiked! Update: In August, we hiked to Triple Falls in the Oneonta Gorge. Update: Hiked to Wahclella Falls! 
6. Blog at least once a week. 
7. Get those tattoos you've been wanting forever.  I got 4 tattoos last year :)
8. Dance again. In your living room in your underwear, and in dance classes with friends. 
9. Narrow it down to a list of two grad schools and begin the application process. (Lewis & Clark, and Concordia?)  Update: Officially accepted into the MAT program at Concordia starting in  January! 
10. High school jeans, baby. (At least by the end of the year). 
11. Pay off all credit card debt, and one auto loan. 
12. Finally preserve my wedding dress, after fitting into it one last time. 
13. Say "no" to things that do not benefit me. 
14. Alternatively, find the courage to say "yes" more. 
15. Read at least 10 books on my reading list. (Currently: Amy Poehler's Yes, Please ; Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging out without Me? And Other Concerns.) 
16. De-clutter and simplify my home of material items. Do I really need that coffee maker, considering I don't drink coffee?
17. Take time off. From everything. 
18. Attend a concert. (Foo Fighters? Mumford and Sons? John Mayer? DMB?) Foo Fighters were so good. :3 
19. Cook more! 
20. Make time for friends and family. 
21. Do something once a day that does not revolve around school, work or chores. Nourish yourself. 
22. Start a 401k and savings plan. 
23. Attend counseling on a regular basis. Learn to sit with your emotions and anxieties, and move past them. 
24. Run a 5k. Even though I despise running. Because boobs. 

There you have it! Hopefully these goals and my accomplishment of them will foster and inspire some more blog posts. (Ahem, goal #6). 2015 is looking pretty swell. 

Subtle Things & Dealing with Loss

My grandmother died today.

I got the call this morning from my dad. It wasn't one of those times where I knew what was going to happen, or got a bad vibe when I saw he was calling. I wasn't expecting this news at all.

I didn't cry immediately; it took a few preemptive moments for me to process the news. My husband woke up to the call, and was quick to comfort me, despite my hesitation to express my grief.

The tears eventually spilled over the barriers of my eyes and fell as I fought to keep them in while I processed the facts, and questioned the reality of the situation. I tried to comfort myself with overused cliches about her passing, but they didn't calm the waves of emotion I was experiencing.

Instead, I desperately tried to remember the last time I spoke to her. Hugged her. And the frustrating truth emerged -- three and seven years, respectively. Three tremendously eventful years of my life had gone by since I last conversed with her. Seven years ago was the last time I saw her in person, hugged her, took photos with her. These devastating numbers have stuck with me today.

These past seven years without her have been difficult. Without exposing all of my family history, my grandmother was a victim of alcoholism, mental illness, and a plethora of medical issues. A couple of people who I refuse to acknowledge as family, despite their blood relation, took advantage of her, and took her from me.

For the first half of my life, my grandma was the only grandparent I had regularly involved in my life. She visited every summer, spent hours with my sister and I putting on lipstick and her jewelry. I could count on a phone call from her on every holiday, and a birthday card with a letter inside annually. Despite the distance, my grandma made extreme efforts to show and demonstrate her love and affection for my siblings and I.

The last time I spoke to her was when I told her that I was engaged, and I still remember how excited she was. I can still hear her laughter and her deeply set Fargo dialect. I remember the sadness I felt when she said she couldn't travel to my wedding.

Months went by and I remember the frustration I felt when her illness got the better of her and she refused to speak to us. I sent her save-the-dates and wedding invitations in the hopes that she'd come back to us.

My wedding came and went, and she no longer remembered us.

It wasn't until later this past year that she felt compelled to speak to us again. But, because of her illness, she didn't have much memory. She only spoke to my dad.

Last I heard, she remembered that I was married and asked if T and I had kids yet.

I've been sick to my stomach all day, torn about how to grieve, questioning my pain, wondering if I even had a right to grieve due to our lack of contact. She is my first loss and I feel deeply lost. I found my childhood jewelry box, and in it was a gold ring with a pink tourmaline gemstone that she had given me when I was young. I keep staring at it, hoping that it will bring me some sort of peace.

I hope that she remembered us all when she died. I hope she was sober in her final moments. I hope she passed quickly without fear or worry or pain. I truly hope that she is resting peacefully and that wherever she is now, she is healthy and vital and experiencing the unrelenting happiness she deserves. But most of all, I hope she knows how valued and loved she is, despite the things that kept us apart.




Goodbye, Grandma.