Subtle Things & Getting Back into Routine

As life would have it, several months have passed without awareness, As usual, these months have been oxymoronic in both their beautiful and frustrating qualities. This summer I have accomplished so much, and yet, so little that its difficult to quantify or qualify my experiences. I've been chugging along with reality, working full time and maintaining my marriage and home, but also made time to do some wonderfully fun and exciting things, so I have a hard time saying anything other than how wonderful my summer was.

Earlier this year, I created a 24 before 24 list -- a bucket list of sorts of things that I wanted to accomplish this year. My birthday is next month, and after spending my summer doing the things that I wanted, I realized just how vague and almost unimportant some of these goals are to me, and I am doing some reevaluation -- both crossing things off, and erasing goals that no longer matter or resonate with me. If you would like to see my progress, you can revisit the post here.

A lot of these goals are very lofty, like trying to fit into my high school jeans. The weight loss process is more than just counting calories, and I have learned, finally, that this isn't going to happen quickly. Setting weight loss goals or hopes is wonderful, but setting timelines for it just feeds my anxiety.

Some were vague, like "saying yes more", or "cooking more". (I find that I frustratingly try to always push myself to do more, to be better, and frankly all it does is add more stress to a life I need to pacify regardless.) Others were pointless; did I really think that I was going to run a 5k? I hate running. I always have, even when I was in the best shape.

Some I frankly just did not accomplish! I read one book all year for pleasure. ALL YEAR. I bought like 43 books, (okay, more like 7) and didn't read a single one. I have a whole shelf of books begging to be read, but honestly, I think I plan on rereading the Harry Potter series first. What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

But, I did so many great things, both on my list and off, this summer that negate being able to accomplish all 24 of those goals.  Most recently, I died my hair purple, hiked a 6 mile hike to Triple Falls and wanted to die, went to the best and most incredible concert of my life, got accepted into the Concordia MAT program, and spent time tending to my overworked body and heart by relaxing and spending time with the truest of my friends.

Some really sad and troublesome things have happened too -- long time friendships dissolving, financial and economic woes, being let go by my insurance company for my two accidents, taking two steps forward and one step back with my overall health, and a having general frustration with retail to boot. But, overall, while I feel like my summer was not what my overworking, hard to please and deeply anxious mind concocted, it was still beautiful and what my soul needed to find peace and learn even more about myself.

I always have room to grow, of course. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just be. Don't force change, but allow room for the universe to take over and figure out exactly what you need.  Baby steps.

I feel SO weird not going back to school tomorrow, so to counteract that I am going to try and get back into a regular routine, including exercising and meal planning, whoop whoop!

Here are some photos of my gloriously frustrating, too good to be bad summer. Enjoy!

Overall, I really have learned this summer that perfection in and of itself is a lofty and impossible desire. Balance, even is difficult to achieve. My new goals are simple: to be present, to be who I am, wherever I am, to be relentlessly forgiving to myself,  and to use what I already have to become better. In general: