I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.
I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.
I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.
Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.
While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.
Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.
It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?
I guess this didn't post the first time....weird. But, I'm so glad you're writing again! I can definitely relate; it is difficult to let things go and force yourself to face your fears. I still think of Lady every single day; I still worry about my Dad and the idea that his cancer might come back; I still am afraid of spiders and clowns. But I think that, when the time comes, you'll be able to handle whatever horrible thing happens in your life, be it death or illness or otherwise. We never truly know what we can handle until it happens, and God never gives us more than we can bear (even if it doesn't seem like it). I hope you continue writing! I've missed reading your blog :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Erica! I can't believe how easy it is for me to stop writing. It is so therapeutic for me. I will try to write more!
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