Subtle Things & Lacking Fulfillment

Life has caught up to me lately. Really, it seems like I can't turn my brain off. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm anxious from the moment I wake up. I dread going to work every day.

I feel like my life is lacking something. Which seems crazy to say, because it is incredibly busy and full, with work, and wedding planning, and moving, and everything else. But I feel, hollow, I guess.

I have so many things to be happy about, but lately, all I can feel is sadness, and I am not sure how to fix it.

Maybe, I'm allowing other people's actions to affect me too much. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've done so to the point of breaking -- trying to plan my wedding date, for example, was insane because I felt like I had to cater to other people's needs. I hate confrontation, and I am usually more willing to concede than make someone else unhappy.

Maybe, I feel stagnant, because I took a term off from school, which leaves me working, only. Currently, I am not doing anything to push my life forward, to get me away from working in retail or to make me closer to working in a field that I enjoy. I tell myself I needed this term off, but I feel like a failure for doing so.

Maybe, I feel taken for granted by some of the people in my life. I'm a verbal pin cushion, a confidant, a listener, and I am often put in a position where I don't know what to do.  I'm so involved in a situation, to the point where worry makes me anxious and sick. I want to remove myself, and back away for my own sanity, but feel like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Maybe, I dislike who I have turned into. I used to be such a carefree, confident, romantic spirit, and now I feel bogged down by people's opinions, I care too much about what others think when they see me. I can't stick to anything, and no matter how hard I try, I give in to temptation.

Maybe, I am far too envious of other people's lives. People who are graduating from college already, people who are getting married before me, people who are having children, people who have better jobs than me, or more money than me, or people who have it all figured out. Even though I have those things going for me in the future, I frustrated that I don't have them now.

And while all those ideas make complete sense as to why I am feeling empty, I still feel like I am looking for an answer.

I know that for my happiness, I need to stop listening to other people, and follow my own heart and head.
I know that for my happiness, I need to find the motivation to start school again, and get a degree to work with children.
I know that for my happiness, I need to remove myself from situations that make happiness difficult to obtain.
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy with who I am now, so that I can become who I want to be. I'm still that carefree, lovable person, but she is being hidden by sadness and insecurities
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy for others, even when they do the things I want to do, but haven't. I need to have faith in myself that these things will happen for me, because I will make them.

Maybe, when I accomplish all these things, I won't feel so vacant anymore.

Subtle Things & Decisions

I remember feeling so much pressure when I was in high school to decide what I wanted to do when I grew up.  But, I didn't take it too seriously, though. I had time to decide.

First, I wanted to go to beauty school. Then, I wanted to go to a trade school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. After that, dermatology. Then, I strayed from the medical field, and wanted to teach high school literature and English. And, then Kindergarten. And, now...

Well, now I am grown up. And, I have only small clues as to what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to marry my best friend, and have a family with him. I want to travel. I want to devote my life to finding and maintaining my health. I want to enrich the lives of others. But, determining what career field I am going to work in, in order to fulfill all those aforementioned ideas... I am lost.

I'm a college sophomore, working in retail only to survive. I give credit where it is due to those who choose to work in such an area for life, but I could never. 2 long years it has been, and while I am fortunate to have me job, it has taught me that I definitely do not want to work there forever.

What I do know, is that I want to work with children. But where do I go from there? Do I get an associates degree? Or do I tough it out for the long haul and finish my BA in Child and Family Studies at PSU? Do I want to teach? Or should I work for a non-profit like Children International?

What is so scary, is that all of the things that I have desired for my life, always, are contingent upon the timing and the consequences of my decision.

Yep, all that pressure has caught up to me.

Subtle Things & Fear

I am writing this as I am lying in bed, my eyes fighting to stay open, but my mind unable to rest. I am listening to the sound of the rain outside with my window open, and I am thinking about my life. The reason I am awake right now, is because I can't stop thinking about a nightmare I just woke up from. The odd thing is that I don't remember enough details to comprehensively explain the storyline. However, the dream revolved like an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI, displaying parts of a murder.

I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.

I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.

I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.

Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.

While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.

Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.

It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?