Subtle Things & Getting Back into Routine

As life would have it, several months have passed without awareness, As usual, these months have been oxymoronic in both their beautiful and frustrating qualities. This summer I have accomplished so much, and yet, so little that its difficult to quantify or qualify my experiences. I've been chugging along with reality, working full time and maintaining my marriage and home, but also made time to do some wonderfully fun and exciting things, so I have a hard time saying anything other than how wonderful my summer was.

Earlier this year, I created a 24 before 24 list -- a bucket list of sorts of things that I wanted to accomplish this year. My birthday is next month, and after spending my summer doing the things that I wanted, I realized just how vague and almost unimportant some of these goals are to me, and I am doing some reevaluation -- both crossing things off, and erasing goals that no longer matter or resonate with me. If you would like to see my progress, you can revisit the post here.

A lot of these goals are very lofty, like trying to fit into my high school jeans. The weight loss process is more than just counting calories, and I have learned, finally, that this isn't going to happen quickly. Setting weight loss goals or hopes is wonderful, but setting timelines for it just feeds my anxiety.

Some were vague, like "saying yes more", or "cooking more". (I find that I frustratingly try to always push myself to do more, to be better, and frankly all it does is add more stress to a life I need to pacify regardless.) Others were pointless; did I really think that I was going to run a 5k? I hate running. I always have, even when I was in the best shape.

Some I frankly just did not accomplish! I read one book all year for pleasure. ALL YEAR. I bought like 43 books, (okay, more like 7) and didn't read a single one. I have a whole shelf of books begging to be read, but honestly, I think I plan on rereading the Harry Potter series first. What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants.

But, I did so many great things, both on my list and off, this summer that negate being able to accomplish all 24 of those goals.  Most recently, I died my hair purple, hiked a 6 mile hike to Triple Falls and wanted to die, went to the best and most incredible concert of my life, got accepted into the Concordia MAT program, and spent time tending to my overworked body and heart by relaxing and spending time with the truest of my friends.

Some really sad and troublesome things have happened too -- long time friendships dissolving, financial and economic woes, being let go by my insurance company for my two accidents, taking two steps forward and one step back with my overall health, and a having general frustration with retail to boot. But, overall, while I feel like my summer was not what my overworking, hard to please and deeply anxious mind concocted, it was still beautiful and what my soul needed to find peace and learn even more about myself.

I always have room to grow, of course. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just be. Don't force change, but allow room for the universe to take over and figure out exactly what you need.  Baby steps.

I feel SO weird not going back to school tomorrow, so to counteract that I am going to try and get back into a regular routine, including exercising and meal planning, whoop whoop!

Here are some photos of my gloriously frustrating, too good to be bad summer. Enjoy!

Overall, I really have learned this summer that perfection in and of itself is a lofty and impossible desire. Balance, even is difficult to achieve. My new goals are simple: to be present, to be who I am, wherever I am, to be relentlessly forgiving to myself,  and to use what I already have to become better. In general:

Subtle Things and Our Wedding Anniversary Weekend

This past weekend, T and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. 

I just cannot believe how quickly these past couple years have gone. Marriage has actually, believe it or not, become easier as time as passed. We have fallen into a wonderful rhythm with each other, and learned that when we value ourselves as individuals it makes us feel more connected and much more in sync. 

More has changed than has stayed the same, and we have both grown so much. I have been very nostalgic lately, and I try to remind myself frequently that despite the struggle that may be going on now, I am going to really miss these early years of our relationship. 

In lieu of gifts, we wanted to create some experiences and try new things. So we took a long weekend and did something different everyday. 

Our first day, we spent making brunch and mimosas at home while watching The Office, and then later went to OMSI for their Ripley's exhibit and a showing of The Avengers in the Empirical Theatre. We also stopped at the OMSI docks, which were filled with people swimming and listening to music on their boom boxes. We had dinner at Dick's Kitchen, which is a sustainable, eco-friendly burger place in SE. They had the greatest burgers, their famous NOT fries, and kombucha on tap. Delish! 

The next day was laid back as well. We came out to the PSU farmers market to have lunch and bought a bunch of fabulous produce. 

The third day, we spent entirely in bed, which was such a treat after how busy this year has been. 

Perhaps the most fun and adventurous day we spent together was the last one. We decided to drive out to the Columbia River Gorge, and hiked Oneonta Creek up to the falls. I was initially hesitant and doubtful of my athletic abilities, but I am SO glad we went. 

You walk down these really steep stairs off Historic Highway 3o into the creek right away, and after about 100 feet, you reach a huge log jam that you have to climb over and through to get to the falls. (The picture really doesn't do it justice.) This was so much fun, and was challenging because of how crowded it was. I have bruises and scrapes all over my shins from crawling all around. 

Once you pass the log jam, you walk into this beautiful chasm and wade through water, climb over fallen logs, and right before you get to the falls, you have to swim/walk through waist deep water, holding your backpacks above your head! 

The falls were spectacular. The water was warm, and when Tim and I got to the end, we just stood, waist deep in the pool, admiring what we had just done, and how much fun it was! 

Because the hike was so short, we decided to double back and continue hiking through the creek in the opposite direction. We found out that if you wade through the water under the sketchy I-84 bridge, it takes you directly out onto a beach on the Columbia River! We took about an hour to swim in the river and admire the beauty of the Gorge. 

I can't remember the last time I felt so happy, proud and at peace in my life. I felt like myself, who I was meant to be, and a part of the beautiful world and landscape around me. 

We have plans to go again next week with some members of my family, and then the following week, we're going to try and find Abiqua Falls! It looks challenging, beautiful, and elusive because it is difficult to drive to, but I am looking forward to the memories we will make together. 

Two years into a lifetime, already. 

Subtle Balance in All Things

And just like that, T and I ended our second round of Whole30. 

We started the month off prepared; we bought all the groceries we needed, meal planned, and even precut and prepped our food. 

But, even just one day in, T and I could tell that we just weren't in it. 

I've been feeling off balance for quite some time, because of how busy I've been the last five years with school and work. But even now that I'm in the exact opposite situation where I am only working and have so much more time to myself, I feel off kilter still. 

I read an article that someone posted, and it asked the following question: do you use Whole30 (and other detox/diet/whatever you want to call it programs) multiple times a year to justify disordered eating? 

And I got to thinking about how I eat, and how I generally live my life. I am an all or nothing person. While temptations arise, I flourish in the Whole30 when there are strict rules and guidelines to follow. And God knows that I can eat chocolate and sweets until I die. It's the middle ground, the every day life, the moderation that I can't seem to grasp. 

As someone who suffers from binge eating disorder, and has since childhood, I need to learn to honor that space of moderation, and find a balanced and real relationship with food -- not just eating whatever I want, or what some program tells me to. 

My journey to finding health in my life is far different than many others. It's not just about losing weight and working out at the gym, and eating low calorie cheats. For me, it's about finding the space in the middle where even after weight loss, I will live healthfully and happily. Balanced. 

Today, I tried to find that balance in my life. I found it in some ways, and overdid it in others. But going to the beach and doing something so peaceful and active made me excited for the summer and the ways that I am going to cherish and value myself. 

Here are some photos from today! 

 

Subtle Things & Another Round of Whole30

Despite all the wonderful things that have happened in my life over the last few months, I feel like I am in a deep rut. Graduation was exciting, but ultimately anti-climatic, and now that some time has passed, I feel unchanged. I question my decision to not go straight into a year long Master of Arts in Teaching program. I question my decision to attend a university that does not offer teaching certification within their baccalaureate degrees. I question myself for feeling let down after reaching such a huge and momentous accomplishment.

After my May Whole30, I went back into my life hesitantly. So many exciting things were happening, and there was so much to get done. I thought little about the food I was eating, and was able to stay relatively paleo with some fun celebratory eats.  However, three weeks post Whole30 is a different story. I am back to working full time at the Market. Back to having free time. Back to having more temptations and time to eat.

I've decided to start another Whole30 beginning tomorrow -- I don't want to wait and give myself time to think about the cons. I want to do this wholeheartedly and get back to the confident and happy person I was just a couple weeks ago.

I would, however, like to do things a bit differently this time around. Here are my Whole30 Round 2 goals:

• Eat more green vegetables. This is my highest regret from my previous round. I ate vegetables, but mostly ones that I was very comfortable with like carrots, cucumbers, bell peppers, zucchini, and (so many) brussels sprouts. This time, I want to make sure to get a couple leafy veggies in a day. I just bought and chopped a bunch of rainbow swiss chard to saute into my breakfasts!  

• No more dried fruit! This shit is like candy. Especially the dried strawberries. I could eat a whole bag in one sitting, and that binge eating desire is something I want to stay the hell away from on the Whole30. 

• Follow the Whole9 Principles. The Whole30 creators' original company was Whole9. They have nine specific principles that they believe are integral to a well rounded and healthy life. Last time, I focused solely on food, which is only one aspect of my life. This time, I want to reign in other areas too, like Socialization, Natural Environment, and Personal Growth. 

• I want to give myself 30 minutes of activity each day, for obvious and important reasons. I'd like to do this in the form of things I love, like hiking, swimming, dancing and yoga. I'm not a gym person, and I don't believe in doing the StairMaster until the point of vomiting. I think that exercise should be fun, involve the world around me, and foster a sustainable and spiritually connected future. This isn't about the "gains" for me. It's about changing my life, losing weight, and looking forward to doing that healthy way of life long term. (I'll probably throw some squats in there though, because: dat ass.) 

• Also, maintaining a supplement and facial care regimen, and keeping acupuncture in my life. Anxiety and acne are two obstacles I really struggle with, and I'd like to keep a handle on those things. (I've been doing Aztec clay masks a couple times a week and really enjoy it!) 

July is filled with a lot of exciting reasons to celebrate, Independence Day, my brother's birthday, and my second wedding anniversary (!!) among them. I think it will be a great opportunity for me to realize that celebrations don't  have to be accompanied by food or actions that make me less healthy and less happy. Celebrations are for spending time with people you love, doing things that create memories and smiles, and eating things that enable you to live happily. 

Here are some photos of a couple weeks ago when T and I hiked Eagle Creek up to Punchbowl Falls. I want my life to include a lot more of days like this. 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer! 

Subtle Things & Six Word Memoirs (Again)

Anticlimactic resolutions of accomplishments long awaited.

Subtle Things & a Whole30 Recap

Whoop whoop! On May 31st, I completed my first successful round of Whole30! While I contemplated blogging during the experience (which would have been WAY better, because even two weeks post Whole30, I am straining to remember details), I did not have the time. So, here is my very belated response to my Whole30 experience!

Last summer, I stumbled across the Whole30 program while in Disneyland. I found the site, read through the details, and was incredibly in awe after reading the A-Z Testimonials . People suffering from many of the same ailments that I have, like adult acne, heartburn, inconsistent sleeping patterns, sluggishness and food addiction, found relief through this program. I was sold. T and I started two days after returning home.

I learned quickly that we were vastly unprepared. I figured the program would be hard, but the level of dedication is takes is not for the faint of heart. As a cashier in a grocery store, people would come through my line with fresh baked bread, and I wanted to die. It would take all my will power not to run over to the bakery and scarf down a sourdough roll on my break.

Unsurprisingly, we quit about 15 days in. It wasn't a slip up, or an accident. We intentionally had pizza for dinner and thought to ourselves, "screw this."

Any positive habits I had gained did not have enough time to solidify, so I quickly went back to my old habits. I gained more weight, found my menstrual cycle to be completely irregular (or even non-existent), felt even worse about myself, and had trouble controlling my emotional eating. This really culminated in January when my grandmother passed away. After a period of grief, I found a naturopathic doctor as a way back into a healthy life. We talked about my struggles and symptoms, and started with a regimen of supplements, acupuncture, and dairy elimination.

I started to feel so good! But, something was still off. We added more supplements, and talked about my plans. I mentioned my previous Whole30 attempt, and she encouraged me to try again when I felt like it was something I could handle.

After talking with T, we decided on May. I was worried with how busy I was that it would be a disaster, but I really wanted to feel better before graduation came. So, we started on May 1st.

I think that my previous experience helped me to know what I could expect. My skin broke out pretty quickly in detox, and I was using so much tupperware that keeping my kitchen clean was impossible. To be honest, the Whole30 Timeline is pretty damn accurate. By day 12, I was dreaming of corn tortillas, and deeply craving things that I didn't normally eat, even when my habits were the worst.

I got really bored around day 20. Things got so busy that meal prep was hard. I was SO tired of chicken that I would rather have eaten just about anything else. Some of my favorite meals were eggs benedict over sweet potato discs with hollandaise and salsa fresca, and roasted pork tenderloin with cauliflower mash and sauteed asparagus.

The last week of the program, while boring, was the best. There was no hesitation to eat compliant, healthy meals. I slept a regular sleep schedule, and became a morning person. My skin had not cleared up, but was on its way. I had more energy, and for once in my life, I wasn't binge eating.

On day 28, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. All I wanted was some wine, or some whiskey. But I had some chicken-apple sausages and got over it. When day 30 came, I was scared to reintroduce -- so I waited a few days.

Overall, I love how I feel post Whole30. I lost 10 pounds on the program, which makes for 20 total. But, I have such a better outlook on food. I WANT to eat healthy foods that fuel me and make me feel good, and I am so aware of how less healthy foods make me feel, and further me from my goals.
While I am a bit hyper-aware and paranoid about food, this will fade with time. I value the changes I have made and I look forward to many months of healthy eating, and maybe a couple more Whole30's. (August, anyone?)

For now, my plan is to eat as close to Whole30/Paleo as possible, except for special occasions, and start adding more active and healthy practices into my life, like hiking, meditation, yoga and cutting out screen time. I couldn't recommend the Whole30 more, and I feel closer to myself than I ever have because of it.

Subtle Things & Becoming a First Generation College Graduate

I'd like to take a moment to show that I just recently crossed a pretty important goal off my "24 before 24" bucket list!

1. Graduate with my BA in Child and Family Studies from PSU. 

WOO HOO! I am a mother-fucking first generation college graduate!

I spent the last several months anxiously anticipating this time of my life, and even doubting that I could get myself here. It is SO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when you are barely able to stand up and look forward. I have tested my strengths and abilities, even at one point working two jobs, volunteering and taking full time coursework, and I am so thankful to have some closure. To feel accomplished. And to be able to honor how hard I've worked these last five years, and simultaneously move on from PSU and into the rest of my life. (Which does include a lifetime of continued education.)

Yesterday was such a beautiful and hectic day! The weather was perfect, I had a great hair day, and I was so lucky to be able to spend the day with all the important people in my life. My in-law's prepared a delicious BBQ lunch for my family and myself outside in their beautiful backyard, and then we all commuted together to The Moda Center where we waited around for what seemed like hours for my 20 seconds of fame. Afterwards, we all went cosmic bowling and wound down from the day we had.

The PSU graduation was so big (over 6,000 graduates!) that they split it into two ceremonies. Even then, the ceremony took three hours. It was such a crazy feeling to be such a small part of something so big. When they played "Pomp and Circumstance" on repeat and I entered into the arena through a tunnel, I instantly heard my family call my name among the crowd and I was able to locate them right away. That was so wonderful and comforting. My family even sent in pictures and messages that were displayed on the Jumbo Tron.

The ceremony, while exciting at first, dragged on and was terribly boring! I spent my time talking with my classmates and admiring how other students had decorated their caps. Mine was Harry Potter themed, and was quite popular! People were gawking at it all day.

When the time came for me to walk across the stage, I was so focused on not tripping that I never smiled into the camera. But, who cares? I know how happy I am to have earned this degree, and to be done for the time being.

Life still feels normal. It feels uncomfortably, awkwardly and weirdly normal. I go back to work in a couple days and will spend my summer working full time and saving up money so that I can begin the next phase of my educational career: grad school! If all goes as planned, I will be attending Concordia University in January to complete the Master of Arts in Teaching Program, where I will also receive my teaching certification. It's only a year long program -- I know I can do this! And after the year is up, I will finally be where I want to be -- running my own elementary school classroom and teaching!

Right now, I am mostly looking forward to a bit of a break, and spending my summer outside, hiking, camping, reading, laying in the grass and eating watermelon. The best really is yet to come. 

Subtle Things and Swollen Cheeks

This weekend is another one of those times where I am forced to slow down. And, frankly, I'm not digging it for many reasons; boredom, food restraints, pain and swollen cheeks among them.

But, my husband has been so sweet in taking care of me post-op, my friends and family have been so kind checking in on me, and the timing was right because classes right now are pretty low-key.

Sometimes self-care isn't pleasant or fun. But it is always necessary.

Subtle Things & San Francisco Stole My Heart

For those that know me, they know I am a city girl at my very core. I love how small I feel in a city, like I am a part of something so much bigger. The sounds of cars and people talking and electricity calm me. I love being embedded in something so multifaceted and fast paced. 

As a Portland girl, I knew I would love San Francisco, but I was still taken aback by just how much I was captivated by this place, and every time I go back, I feel a stronger and stronger pull. 

This Spring Break, I was so lucky to be able to make the 10 hour drive down to the bay area with T and our best friends, and get my bay area fix. 

I had the best burrito of my life, got lost in the Mission, got in my first (minor) auto collision, took so many pictures, got pho and pedicures with my best friend, explored parts of SF that I had never seen, and even got to catch up with my aunt and cousins after many years. 

San Francisco is my happy place.