I remember feeling so much pressure when I was in high school to decide what I wanted to do when I grew up. But, I didn't take it too seriously, though. I had time to decide.
First, I wanted to go to beauty school. Then, I wanted to go to a trade school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. After that, dermatology. Then, I strayed from the medical field, and wanted to teach high school literature and English. And, then Kindergarten. And, now...
Well, now I am grown up. And, I have only small clues as to what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Well, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to marry my best friend, and have a family with him. I want to travel. I want to devote my life to finding and maintaining my health. I want to enrich the lives of others. But, determining what career field I am going to work in, in order to fulfill all those aforementioned ideas... I am lost.
I'm a college sophomore, working in retail only to survive. I give credit where it is due to those who choose to work in such an area for life, but I could never. 2 long years it has been, and while I am fortunate to have me job, it has taught me that I definitely do not want to work there forever.
What I do know, is that I want to work with children. But where do I go from there? Do I get an associates degree? Or do I tough it out for the long haul and finish my BA in Child and Family Studies at PSU? Do I want to teach? Or should I work for a non-profit like Children International?
What is so scary, is that all of the things that I have desired for my life, always, are contingent upon the timing and the consequences of my decision.
Yep, all that pressure has caught up to me.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Subtle Things & Fear
I am writing this as I am lying in bed, my eyes fighting to stay open, but my mind unable to rest. I am listening to the sound of the rain outside with my window open, and I am thinking about my life. The reason I am awake right now, is because I can't stop thinking about a nightmare I just woke up from. The odd thing is that I don't remember enough details to comprehensively explain the storyline. However, the dream revolved like an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI, displaying parts of a murder.
I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.
I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.
I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.
Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.
While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.
Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.
It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?
I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.
I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.
I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.
Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.
While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.
Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.
It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?
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