Subtle Things & Helping Things Grow

I found my life's purpose today. 

I wasn't searching or looking or probing my day to day life to figure this out. It came to me suddenly and subtly when I was out running errands with my fiance.

We were visiting with my mom, and I was out admiring her garden. I was there for 30 minutes, and I left with  a tomato plant, a vase full of beautiful purple and blue hydrangeas, and some lavender, all up rooted and picked from her garden.

I rushed home and gave the plants some water, and re-potted the tomato plant, and all the while Tim was smiling at me. I asked him why, and he said,

"I love that these little things make you so happy."

And, I realized that these little things are what I was put on this earth to experience. Not gardening, per say. But nurturing little things, and helping them grow into big things. Gardening is just a physical manifestation of my desire to help things, people, and ideas thrive. And, honestly, I owe this all to my mother.


My mother has always been my best friend, but ever since the start, my mother has taught me to nurture; to believe in things and find faith in things. I was raised to encourage, not to put down, and that all things need time to mature. But, most importantly, I was taught that love should grow and multiply, for family especially, but in all areas of life. 


It is thanks to her that I have found my life passion in education and the development of children. Because of her, I want a big family as full of love as the one I have right now. She has instilled in me that proper way to nurture one's own body. Her lessons have taught me that all things come to those who spend time earning it. My hobbies and ideals reflect that: teaching, dancing, gardening, writing, my new-found discovery on the importance of a healthy lifestyle, my soon to be marriage, my beliefs regarding family. All of these things take time, patience, faith and love to help them grow. 


And, that is why I believe I am here -- to nurture, to develop, to love with all my heart, and to help things grow. 

Subtle Things & Choosing Happiness

"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy

I was in high school when I first heard this statement. I was sitting in a community education class, watching someone do a presentation, and I had an epiphany. Happiness is a conscious decision; a simple choice. Being happy is entirely up to me. 


But, regardless of this realization, I continued down the track I was previously on. I overloaded my plate (figuratively and literally)  -- too many extra curricular activities, advanced classes, and having a job distracted me from maintaining my mental and physical health. Slowly, even after I graduated high school, I slipped into a period of depression. 


I stopped doing the things that I loved. I stopped taking time for myself. I stopped putting myself first, and I started caring far too much what other people thought of me. 


Why did I do this to myself? My actions had completely contradicted my mantra. If happiness is everything I want, why haven't I chosen it yet?


Why do we prolong our own happiness? If happiness is such an easy decision, why isn't a snap decision?    


I think that we have a hard time believing that we deserve all the happiness that we want. Saying that we are indeed our own worst critics, is an understatement. We are bullies, abusers, and haters to ourselves. And while we may be the nicest person to others, our own selves are neglected. And I know that I am guilty of that.


Somehow, insecurities invade our better judgement. These monsters in our minds tell us that we don't deserve to be happy - because we're not pretty enough, because we're not thin enough, because we aren't smart enough, because we don't work hard enough, because we don't have enough friends, or because we've been hurt in the past because we aren't good enough. We have tricked ourselves into believing that we are not enough, and that is the biggest lie we tell ourselves.

If we tell ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy, then we never will be.

The beauty of an epiphany, is that while it is sudden, it is unlimited. They can happen over and over again. Over the last week, I have had the same realization that I explained previously, but this time, I know I deserve it, and I am going to do everything I can to find it.

I have to stop bullying myself.  I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am hard working. I deserve everything I receive and earn. I am and I will be.

I have to start doing the things that bring me joy. I don't mean eating a pint of Ben n' Jerry's half baked ice-cream when I am sad, or telling myself lies. I need to dance again, I need to continue writing, I need to continue my education, and I need to spend time with the people that TRULY make me happy.

I have to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and in turn, I cannot beat myself up for making mistakes. I need to be happy for myself when I'm under my daily calorie intake, or when I get a good work out in. I need to rejoice in every pound lost, and every nutrient taken in. I need to allow myself the indulgences I desire without going overboard.

Despite what you tell yourself, what you think of yourself, or what other people have told you, you deserve happiness. & finding it is really all up to you.

Subtle Things & Lacking Fulfillment

Life has caught up to me lately. Really, it seems like I can't turn my brain off. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm anxious from the moment I wake up. I dread going to work every day.

I feel like my life is lacking something. Which seems crazy to say, because it is incredibly busy and full, with work, and wedding planning, and moving, and everything else. But I feel, hollow, I guess.

I have so many things to be happy about, but lately, all I can feel is sadness, and I am not sure how to fix it.

Maybe, I'm allowing other people's actions to affect me too much. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've done so to the point of breaking -- trying to plan my wedding date, for example, was insane because I felt like I had to cater to other people's needs. I hate confrontation, and I am usually more willing to concede than make someone else unhappy.

Maybe, I feel stagnant, because I took a term off from school, which leaves me working, only. Currently, I am not doing anything to push my life forward, to get me away from working in retail or to make me closer to working in a field that I enjoy. I tell myself I needed this term off, but I feel like a failure for doing so.

Maybe, I feel taken for granted by some of the people in my life. I'm a verbal pin cushion, a confidant, a listener, and I am often put in a position where I don't know what to do.  I'm so involved in a situation, to the point where worry makes me anxious and sick. I want to remove myself, and back away for my own sanity, but feel like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Maybe, I dislike who I have turned into. I used to be such a carefree, confident, romantic spirit, and now I feel bogged down by people's opinions, I care too much about what others think when they see me. I can't stick to anything, and no matter how hard I try, I give in to temptation.

Maybe, I am far too envious of other people's lives. People who are graduating from college already, people who are getting married before me, people who are having children, people who have better jobs than me, or more money than me, or people who have it all figured out. Even though I have those things going for me in the future, I frustrated that I don't have them now.

And while all those ideas make complete sense as to why I am feeling empty, I still feel like I am looking for an answer.

I know that for my happiness, I need to stop listening to other people, and follow my own heart and head.
I know that for my happiness, I need to find the motivation to start school again, and get a degree to work with children.
I know that for my happiness, I need to remove myself from situations that make happiness difficult to obtain.
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy with who I am now, so that I can become who I want to be. I'm still that carefree, lovable person, but she is being hidden by sadness and insecurities
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy for others, even when they do the things I want to do, but haven't. I need to have faith in myself that these things will happen for me, because I will make them.

Maybe, when I accomplish all these things, I won't feel so vacant anymore.

Subtle Things & New Experiences

It is such a blessing when dreaded obligations become exciting opportunities.

For once, I am actually excited to move! Tim and I have been living together for two years (almost) now, and we found out recently that we needed to move for several reasons; rent increases and inconsiderate neighbors among them. But, we have stumbled across the opportunity to live with our best friend, and I am so excited! I remember talking about being roommates in high school, and it is so crazy to see it actually happening.

We found a great place, that we can paint and make a home, and the rate is insanely affordable. Not only do we get to have a great year living with our best friend, which is something Tim and I both wanted to experience before we get married, but we get to save some money for our wedding. We move on July 10th, so if anyone wants to come help paint, let  us know!

Tim and I hope to stay in this apartment until we buy our first home -- I am so excited to turn this place into a happy home for us roommates, and when Josh decides to get his own place - eventually my little Elmer family! <3

Life is changing!

Subtle Things & Decisions

I remember feeling so much pressure when I was in high school to decide what I wanted to do when I grew up.  But, I didn't take it too seriously, though. I had time to decide.

First, I wanted to go to beauty school. Then, I wanted to go to a trade school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. After that, dermatology. Then, I strayed from the medical field, and wanted to teach high school literature and English. And, then Kindergarten. And, now...

Well, now I am grown up. And, I have only small clues as to what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to marry my best friend, and have a family with him. I want to travel. I want to devote my life to finding and maintaining my health. I want to enrich the lives of others. But, determining what career field I am going to work in, in order to fulfill all those aforementioned ideas... I am lost.

I'm a college sophomore, working in retail only to survive. I give credit where it is due to those who choose to work in such an area for life, but I could never. 2 long years it has been, and while I am fortunate to have me job, it has taught me that I definitely do not want to work there forever.

What I do know, is that I want to work with children. But where do I go from there? Do I get an associates degree? Or do I tough it out for the long haul and finish my BA in Child and Family Studies at PSU? Do I want to teach? Or should I work for a non-profit like Children International?

What is so scary, is that all of the things that I have desired for my life, always, are contingent upon the timing and the consequences of my decision.

Yep, all that pressure has caught up to me.

Subtle Things & Forgotten Beauty

Today is beautiful. Everything about today is beautiful.
It is so easy to be caught up in the stresses of life, and forget about the world around us; the natural, fresh beauty of our surroundings. It is a lovely sixty degrees outside, perfect weather to walk with my mother in, like I have already done this morning. It is the perfect temperature to sit on the couch with the doors and windows open, a blanket, and a good book, or paper and a pen. The loyal hummingbird who faithfully perches on the branch of a tree outside my patio every morning does not stray from it's routine. My cats are running through my apartment and playing with each other. My loving fiance accidentally butt-dialed me at work, so I got to hear his sweet voice before he hung up. I not only have a wonderful family, but also a soon to be set of in-laws that care so deeply about our well being. I am a lucky, lucky woman. And, I often forget that.

My life is a jumbled mess of necessity and preparation: school, work, wedding planning, bill paying, health management and several other preparations for my future often get in the way of acknowledging what is around me. I have always been someone who quickly grows impatient with being stagnant. I find enjoyment in improvement, happiness in growth, and staying in one place or position for too long encourages my frustration. Thus, my current life situation is not my ideal situation. I am so eager to be done with school, to get a new job doing what I enjoy, to have lost the weight, to marry my best friend and to start our family together, that I ignore the beauty in my life already.

I have a secure job, with room for growth and promotion, and benefits. I am a student, with ample time and freedom to decide where I want to get whatever degree I want to get in whatever field. I live with my best friend and the love of my life, and the gorgeous ring on my finger reminds me everyday how lucky I am. My mother loves me so much that she is willing to work by my side to help me get healthy. My sister and little brothers run to the door when they anticipate my arrival. I have food in my fridge and pantry. Lucky woman, indeed.

I have had the morning the myself, and for once, I feel rejuvenated. After walking in the sun with my mother and a little me-time, I feel refreshed and motivated. Here is to living in the moment!