Subtle Things & Lacking Fulfillment

Life has caught up to me lately. Really, it seems like I can't turn my brain off. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm anxious from the moment I wake up. I dread going to work every day.

I feel like my life is lacking something. Which seems crazy to say, because it is incredibly busy and full, with work, and wedding planning, and moving, and everything else. But I feel, hollow, I guess.

I have so many things to be happy about, but lately, all I can feel is sadness, and I am not sure how to fix it.

Maybe, I'm allowing other people's actions to affect me too much. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've done so to the point of breaking -- trying to plan my wedding date, for example, was insane because I felt like I had to cater to other people's needs. I hate confrontation, and I am usually more willing to concede than make someone else unhappy.

Maybe, I feel stagnant, because I took a term off from school, which leaves me working, only. Currently, I am not doing anything to push my life forward, to get me away from working in retail or to make me closer to working in a field that I enjoy. I tell myself I needed this term off, but I feel like a failure for doing so.

Maybe, I feel taken for granted by some of the people in my life. I'm a verbal pin cushion, a confidant, a listener, and I am often put in a position where I don't know what to do.  I'm so involved in a situation, to the point where worry makes me anxious and sick. I want to remove myself, and back away for my own sanity, but feel like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Maybe, I dislike who I have turned into. I used to be such a carefree, confident, romantic spirit, and now I feel bogged down by people's opinions, I care too much about what others think when they see me. I can't stick to anything, and no matter how hard I try, I give in to temptation.

Maybe, I am far too envious of other people's lives. People who are graduating from college already, people who are getting married before me, people who are having children, people who have better jobs than me, or more money than me, or people who have it all figured out. Even though I have those things going for me in the future, I frustrated that I don't have them now.

And while all those ideas make complete sense as to why I am feeling empty, I still feel like I am looking for an answer.

I know that for my happiness, I need to stop listening to other people, and follow my own heart and head.
I know that for my happiness, I need to find the motivation to start school again, and get a degree to work with children.
I know that for my happiness, I need to remove myself from situations that make happiness difficult to obtain.
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy with who I am now, so that I can become who I want to be. I'm still that carefree, lovable person, but she is being hidden by sadness and insecurities
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy for others, even when they do the things I want to do, but haven't. I need to have faith in myself that these things will happen for me, because I will make them.

Maybe, when I accomplish all these things, I won't feel so vacant anymore.

Subtle Things & New Experiences

It is such a blessing when dreaded obligations become exciting opportunities.

For once, I am actually excited to move! Tim and I have been living together for two years (almost) now, and we found out recently that we needed to move for several reasons; rent increases and inconsiderate neighbors among them. But, we have stumbled across the opportunity to live with our best friend, and I am so excited! I remember talking about being roommates in high school, and it is so crazy to see it actually happening.

We found a great place, that we can paint and make a home, and the rate is insanely affordable. Not only do we get to have a great year living with our best friend, which is something Tim and I both wanted to experience before we get married, but we get to save some money for our wedding. We move on July 10th, so if anyone wants to come help paint, let  us know!

Tim and I hope to stay in this apartment until we buy our first home -- I am so excited to turn this place into a happy home for us roommates, and when Josh decides to get his own place - eventually my little Elmer family! <3

Life is changing!

Subtle Things & Marriage

For as long as I remember, I have been a hopeless romantic.

I never went through a "boys-have-cooties" stage. I never wanted a relationship that wasn't committed. The principle of marriage has never scared me, but in fact has always sparked my daydreams. I have been planning my wedding since who knows when. When I am asked what I want to be when I grow up, the words 'wife' and 'mother' come before any career.

Now that I am engaged at the age of 20, to be married by the time I am 22, I find myself on the defense to people's sarcasm and opinions on the idea of marriage. I come across so many "you are too young" comments, or remarks about planning divorces as you plan your wedding, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that marriage has become what it has. Something that is supposedly done too early in life, or on a whim, and something that will always end with divorce.

But regardless of the countries divorce statistics, or what marriages you have witnessed, don't predetermine the quality of someone else's marriage. Frankly, I don't give a shit if I am "too young", or that I am not done with school yet, or that statistically, my marriage has been forecasted to end in divorce because of this and that. I know that I am with the man I want to spend the entirety my life with -- the tragic and terrifying parts, as well as the blissful. I want to have children with him, and I want spend the rest of my life working on this relationship, so that when we are old, we have 50+ years of memories, a long line of family, and a lot of hard work to look back on and cherish before we pass away.

Don't call me naive, or optimistic. I know that marriage is a lot of effort, and there will be hard times, and there will be moments where we may want to call it quits. I've seen marriages fail, and I see marriages struggling, but what I understand is that when you get married, you are in it "for better and for worse". Instead of judging other people's marriages, just focus on your own. I think that people only prepare themselves for the good in marriage, and are completely taken aback when things get difficult. If you make sure that you, yourself, are ready to get married when the moment comes, and that you are understanding of the efforts necessary to make such a relationship work, then you will beat the statistics.

I also completely understand, that sometimes marriages can't be fixed, or that sometimes they shouldn't be fixed. This is not a judgement on people who have gotten divorced. I just feel that other people's marriages or divorces should not determine anyone else's marriages or divorces.

I am not rushing into anything. I am fully prepared for this, and I couldn't be more excited to become Mrs. Elmer. Despite the stereotypes, I am still a full-blooded hopeless romantic.

Subtle Things & Decisions

I remember feeling so much pressure when I was in high school to decide what I wanted to do when I grew up.  But, I didn't take it too seriously, though. I had time to decide.

First, I wanted to go to beauty school. Then, I wanted to go to a trade school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. After that, dermatology. Then, I strayed from the medical field, and wanted to teach high school literature and English. And, then Kindergarten. And, now...

Well, now I am grown up. And, I have only small clues as to what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to marry my best friend, and have a family with him. I want to travel. I want to devote my life to finding and maintaining my health. I want to enrich the lives of others. But, determining what career field I am going to work in, in order to fulfill all those aforementioned ideas... I am lost.

I'm a college sophomore, working in retail only to survive. I give credit where it is due to those who choose to work in such an area for life, but I could never. 2 long years it has been, and while I am fortunate to have me job, it has taught me that I definitely do not want to work there forever.

What I do know, is that I want to work with children. But where do I go from there? Do I get an associates degree? Or do I tough it out for the long haul and finish my BA in Child and Family Studies at PSU? Do I want to teach? Or should I work for a non-profit like Children International?

What is so scary, is that all of the things that I have desired for my life, always, are contingent upon the timing and the consequences of my decision.

Yep, all that pressure has caught up to me.

Subtle Things & Fear

I am writing this as I am lying in bed, my eyes fighting to stay open, but my mind unable to rest. I am listening to the sound of the rain outside with my window open, and I am thinking about my life. The reason I am awake right now, is because I can't stop thinking about a nightmare I just woke up from. The odd thing is that I don't remember enough details to comprehensively explain the storyline. However, the dream revolved like an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI, displaying parts of a murder.

I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.

I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.

I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.

Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.

While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.

Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.

It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?

Subtle Things & Forgotten Beauty

Today is beautiful. Everything about today is beautiful.
It is so easy to be caught up in the stresses of life, and forget about the world around us; the natural, fresh beauty of our surroundings. It is a lovely sixty degrees outside, perfect weather to walk with my mother in, like I have already done this morning. It is the perfect temperature to sit on the couch with the doors and windows open, a blanket, and a good book, or paper and a pen. The loyal hummingbird who faithfully perches on the branch of a tree outside my patio every morning does not stray from it's routine. My cats are running through my apartment and playing with each other. My loving fiance accidentally butt-dialed me at work, so I got to hear his sweet voice before he hung up. I not only have a wonderful family, but also a soon to be set of in-laws that care so deeply about our well being. I am a lucky, lucky woman. And, I often forget that.

My life is a jumbled mess of necessity and preparation: school, work, wedding planning, bill paying, health management and several other preparations for my future often get in the way of acknowledging what is around me. I have always been someone who quickly grows impatient with being stagnant. I find enjoyment in improvement, happiness in growth, and staying in one place or position for too long encourages my frustration. Thus, my current life situation is not my ideal situation. I am so eager to be done with school, to get a new job doing what I enjoy, to have lost the weight, to marry my best friend and to start our family together, that I ignore the beauty in my life already.

I have a secure job, with room for growth and promotion, and benefits. I am a student, with ample time and freedom to decide where I want to get whatever degree I want to get in whatever field. I live with my best friend and the love of my life, and the gorgeous ring on my finger reminds me everyday how lucky I am. My mother loves me so much that she is willing to work by my side to help me get healthy. My sister and little brothers run to the door when they anticipate my arrival. I have food in my fridge and pantry. Lucky woman, indeed.

I have had the morning the myself, and for once, I feel rejuvenated. After walking in the sun with my mother and a little me-time, I feel refreshed and motivated. Here is to living in the moment!

Subtle Things & The USA

You know, lately, I really dislike being an American. 

Yes, yes, I know. I have heard and studied about American History. I know what we have gone through as a country to earn our name, our essence. I admire and believe in everything that America stands for:  freedom of speech, human/race/gender/orientation equality, living without fear of religious oppression... But we are all talk!

We claim to be all of the above. We are equal... but if you are gay, you can't marry who you love, which results in the denial of hundreds of human rights. We support women's suffrage, but, not only will you make $.75 to the man's dollar, but you women must also leave your body up to the government's discretion.

It makes me sick that congressional hearings on birth control can occur without the participation or involvement of women. It makes me sick that our country thinks that it is constitutional to deny rights to any human being, regardless of sexual orientation. It makes me sick that in a country that originated due to a desire for religious freedom, we base most of it's laws on, primarily, one religion. We speak highly of a separation of church and state -- but we are still "One Nation, Under God". (Please don't get me wrong. This is not an argument against religion. I fully support anyone's right to practice any religion they choose, as long as it doesn't compromise the freedom or safety of any other person.)

We will not be what we claim to be, until these things change. 

I hate living in a country where appearance and beauty are more revered than intelligence and compassion. Every time I see a cover of a gossip magazine, this is only exemplified. Anytime any female celebrity takes an unflattering photograph, it's the front page news. Really, who cares if (insert celebrity here) gained a few pounds?

I hate knowing that the cast of Jersey Shore makes more money than teachers. The financial distribution in this country is bananas. (I am not saying that the destructive and endangering actions of the Occupy movement are justifiable, however.) I understand that idiots make for good entertainment, but do they really deserve to make millions of dollars a year, when there are hard-working, educated people who struggle trying to make ends meet?

I hate that the people who are able to contribute to causes, don't. Instead, they own multiple cars, pay mortgages on million-dollar-thirteen-bedroom mansions to house their 4 person family, and look down on those less fortunate. I recently read an article where a wealthy business man dined at restaurant, spent over $100 on the meal, and left a 1% tip, along with a nasty piece of advice. Another photo shows a non-existent tip, and some even nastier advice.  I'd like to think that these disgusting people took that tip money and put it towards something beneficial to their community, or used it to buy food to donate - but we know that isn't the case.

Please know that this is not my pledge of anarchy. No, I am not going to burn the American flag, or move to Canada. (However, if they ban the use of tampons like they have been discussing...) I am just very upset with my country right now. I can't wait for the US to become what they claim to already be.

We will not be free until any human has the right to marry whomever they want to. 
We will not be equal until there are no financial discriminations against women, and until the government removes itself from the woman's vagina, and furthermore, her personal business. 
We will not be free from religious oppression until Biblical statements are no longer used to define laws and rights in this country.