Subtle Things & Streams of Conciousness

My fingers have been itching to write something new for a while now. I will literally sit down at my desk, open a new template, and ponder for an hour on what to write -- eventually calling it quits.

But, I want so badly to write; to formulate my thoughts. To express an emotion with efficiency and grace. To drive a point home. To feel the incomparable feeling of relief when everything is finally out in the open.

But yet, I can't find a topic to write about. So, this is what I do. I sit at my desk, start a new template, and I type. And type. Erase what I have written, and I start over.

The desire to accurately describe a feeling, to the point of simultaneously encouraging that feeling in others is something I strive to do. Always. I wish so deeply that you all could feel the happiness I do when I wake up next to my best friend every morning. Or, the sense of accomplishment I feel when I complete a work out. It really is as if all of my stresses are eliminated for a mere second. The beauty of feelings, though, is that they are completely unique to the individual, like snowflakes or zebra stripes, feelings vary in each being, and everyone feels them in their own way.

This drives me to believe that beauty in life is fleeting. We can be happy for seconds to hours to weeks at a time, but it can change in a moment. Life is made up of moments. I want to remember as many moments as I can.

I don't want to say YOLO (because it's dumb, first of all, but really who knows what happens after this life?), but I have a strong desire to truly live up to all of the expectations I have for myself. I have so many goals and wants and desires that it seems like it's not possible. It seems over confident to believe that I can accomplish everything I want in my mere 100 (if I am lucky) years of life.

It is so effortless to get so swept up by the melancholia of life, that we completely forget that we have such a short time to...be. To feel. To experience. To share. We have such a limited time to develop, to love. 100 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. When we are caught up in the bustle of monetary problems, drama among relationships, guilt, fear, embarrassment, days drag on for what seems like weeks, and weeks feel like months, and months to years and suddenly it seems as if death is a myth, and that life is going to drag on forever. But the reality is, that life can be swept up from under our stance in less than a second.

So, before the inevitable takes action, I am going to do all I can to be. To feel. To experience. To share. To develop, to love.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Subtle Things & Helping Things Grow

I found my life's purpose today. 

I wasn't searching or looking or probing my day to day life to figure this out. It came to me suddenly and subtly when I was out running errands with my fiance.

We were visiting with my mom, and I was out admiring her garden. I was there for 30 minutes, and I left with  a tomato plant, a vase full of beautiful purple and blue hydrangeas, and some lavender, all up rooted and picked from her garden.

I rushed home and gave the plants some water, and re-potted the tomato plant, and all the while Tim was smiling at me. I asked him why, and he said,

"I love that these little things make you so happy."

And, I realized that these little things are what I was put on this earth to experience. Not gardening, per say. But nurturing little things, and helping them grow into big things. Gardening is just a physical manifestation of my desire to help things, people, and ideas thrive. And, honestly, I owe this all to my mother.


My mother has always been my best friend, but ever since the start, my mother has taught me to nurture; to believe in things and find faith in things. I was raised to encourage, not to put down, and that all things need time to mature. But, most importantly, I was taught that love should grow and multiply, for family especially, but in all areas of life. 


It is thanks to her that I have found my life passion in education and the development of children. Because of her, I want a big family as full of love as the one I have right now. She has instilled in me that proper way to nurture one's own body. Her lessons have taught me that all things come to those who spend time earning it. My hobbies and ideals reflect that: teaching, dancing, gardening, writing, my new-found discovery on the importance of a healthy lifestyle, my soon to be marriage, my beliefs regarding family. All of these things take time, patience, faith and love to help them grow. 


And, that is why I believe I am here -- to nurture, to develop, to love with all my heart, and to help things grow. 

Subtle Things & Choosing Happiness

"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy

I was in high school when I first heard this statement. I was sitting in a community education class, watching someone do a presentation, and I had an epiphany. Happiness is a conscious decision; a simple choice. Being happy is entirely up to me. 


But, regardless of this realization, I continued down the track I was previously on. I overloaded my plate (figuratively and literally)  -- too many extra curricular activities, advanced classes, and having a job distracted me from maintaining my mental and physical health. Slowly, even after I graduated high school, I slipped into a period of depression. 


I stopped doing the things that I loved. I stopped taking time for myself. I stopped putting myself first, and I started caring far too much what other people thought of me. 


Why did I do this to myself? My actions had completely contradicted my mantra. If happiness is everything I want, why haven't I chosen it yet?


Why do we prolong our own happiness? If happiness is such an easy decision, why isn't a snap decision?    


I think that we have a hard time believing that we deserve all the happiness that we want. Saying that we are indeed our own worst critics, is an understatement. We are bullies, abusers, and haters to ourselves. And while we may be the nicest person to others, our own selves are neglected. And I know that I am guilty of that.


Somehow, insecurities invade our better judgement. These monsters in our minds tell us that we don't deserve to be happy - because we're not pretty enough, because we're not thin enough, because we aren't smart enough, because we don't work hard enough, because we don't have enough friends, or because we've been hurt in the past because we aren't good enough. We have tricked ourselves into believing that we are not enough, and that is the biggest lie we tell ourselves.

If we tell ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy, then we never will be.

The beauty of an epiphany, is that while it is sudden, it is unlimited. They can happen over and over again. Over the last week, I have had the same realization that I explained previously, but this time, I know I deserve it, and I am going to do everything I can to find it.

I have to stop bullying myself.  I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am hard working. I deserve everything I receive and earn. I am and I will be.

I have to start doing the things that bring me joy. I don't mean eating a pint of Ben n' Jerry's half baked ice-cream when I am sad, or telling myself lies. I need to dance again, I need to continue writing, I need to continue my education, and I need to spend time with the people that TRULY make me happy.

I have to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and in turn, I cannot beat myself up for making mistakes. I need to be happy for myself when I'm under my daily calorie intake, or when I get a good work out in. I need to rejoice in every pound lost, and every nutrient taken in. I need to allow myself the indulgences I desire without going overboard.

Despite what you tell yourself, what you think of yourself, or what other people have told you, you deserve happiness. & finding it is really all up to you.

Subtle Things & Hidden Memories

I am in the midst of moving - we all know what that is like.

First, the initial cleaning commences. We sort through stacks of mail, file paperwork that we need, and recycle the items we don't. We donate or sell the clothes and other materials that we don't need anymore. We organize and label boxes, and fill them to the brim.

Then we pack everything up; the bookshelves, the extra sheets and pillows. We take all of the decorations off the wall, and wrap all the picture frames.

Once everything is packed, we throw all the little items (you know, that junk drawer in your kitchen?) in a bag or a box, and we clean again.

But in between all those steps, we find lost memories. It's almost as if our memories hide behind our possessions, and when we least expect it, they creep up on us. We can feel their presence, almost.

I found a letter from a close friend from high school in my bookshelf, and when I opened it, I was overwhelmed by the nostalgia I felt. I could remember where I was the first time I read it, and I could almost smell my past surroundings. And, when I read it again, I felt the same way I remember feeling when it was given to me.

And that memory, triggered other memories, wonderful moments that I had not thought about for a long time. And those thoughts brought on a slate of emotion - they reminded me of a person who I used to be so close to, but no longer really communicate with. This person was my best friend for a long time. We worked side by side, helped each other through a lot of struggle, and in the meantime, made a lot of memories with each other.


And, while finding that letter may have been particularly impacting to me, it was one of many items that released a happy memory that day. 


I have a bouquet of dried roses hanging on my wall, and when I smell them, I am taken back to my twentieth birthday, when Tim took me and some friends to the Melting Pot and had them waiting for me at the table. Isn't it incredible how you can smell something, and it instantly fills your heart with warmth and reminds you of something? This happens to me everyday! I can be at work, and someone's lotion reminds me of an old friend, or the smell of popcorn brings up memories of a trip I took with my family.

I was throwing out old shoes, and I found a pair of shoes (zebra patterned flats that I loved) that Tim bought me, just because. Another pair, I wore when I gave my ASB election speech. As I was writing that last sentence, I found a shirt that I made with a friend for another friends graduation. I remember going over to Liz's house and enjoying the summer weather while we were waiting for the puff paint to dry.

I think  that's why moving, while it is a nuisance, is refreshing. We take the time to clean and pack and clean some more, and stumble upon things that bring us back to the real world, and realign our minds.

So, I've got a really empty apartment, but my heart is full of memories that I had long forgotten about.
So, I am moving forward, but I am humbled by memories of where I came from.
So, I have a lot of labor ahead of me, but while I move, I am making more memories that I can re-discover at a later time.

Subtle Things & Lacking Fulfillment

Life has caught up to me lately. Really, it seems like I can't turn my brain off. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm anxious from the moment I wake up. I dread going to work every day.

I feel like my life is lacking something. Which seems crazy to say, because it is incredibly busy and full, with work, and wedding planning, and moving, and everything else. But I feel, hollow, I guess.

I have so many things to be happy about, but lately, all I can feel is sadness, and I am not sure how to fix it.

Maybe, I'm allowing other people's actions to affect me too much. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've done so to the point of breaking -- trying to plan my wedding date, for example, was insane because I felt like I had to cater to other people's needs. I hate confrontation, and I am usually more willing to concede than make someone else unhappy.

Maybe, I feel stagnant, because I took a term off from school, which leaves me working, only. Currently, I am not doing anything to push my life forward, to get me away from working in retail or to make me closer to working in a field that I enjoy. I tell myself I needed this term off, but I feel like a failure for doing so.

Maybe, I feel taken for granted by some of the people in my life. I'm a verbal pin cushion, a confidant, a listener, and I am often put in a position where I don't know what to do.  I'm so involved in a situation, to the point where worry makes me anxious and sick. I want to remove myself, and back away for my own sanity, but feel like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Maybe, I dislike who I have turned into. I used to be such a carefree, confident, romantic spirit, and now I feel bogged down by people's opinions, I care too much about what others think when they see me. I can't stick to anything, and no matter how hard I try, I give in to temptation.

Maybe, I am far too envious of other people's lives. People who are graduating from college already, people who are getting married before me, people who are having children, people who have better jobs than me, or more money than me, or people who have it all figured out. Even though I have those things going for me in the future, I frustrated that I don't have them now.

And while all those ideas make complete sense as to why I am feeling empty, I still feel like I am looking for an answer.

I know that for my happiness, I need to stop listening to other people, and follow my own heart and head.
I know that for my happiness, I need to find the motivation to start school again, and get a degree to work with children.
I know that for my happiness, I need to remove myself from situations that make happiness difficult to obtain.
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy with who I am now, so that I can become who I want to be. I'm still that carefree, lovable person, but she is being hidden by sadness and insecurities
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy for others, even when they do the things I want to do, but haven't. I need to have faith in myself that these things will happen for me, because I will make them.

Maybe, when I accomplish all these things, I won't feel so vacant anymore.

Subtle Things & New Experiences

It is such a blessing when dreaded obligations become exciting opportunities.

For once, I am actually excited to move! Tim and I have been living together for two years (almost) now, and we found out recently that we needed to move for several reasons; rent increases and inconsiderate neighbors among them. But, we have stumbled across the opportunity to live with our best friend, and I am so excited! I remember talking about being roommates in high school, and it is so crazy to see it actually happening.

We found a great place, that we can paint and make a home, and the rate is insanely affordable. Not only do we get to have a great year living with our best friend, which is something Tim and I both wanted to experience before we get married, but we get to save some money for our wedding. We move on July 10th, so if anyone wants to come help paint, let  us know!

Tim and I hope to stay in this apartment until we buy our first home -- I am so excited to turn this place into a happy home for us roommates, and when Josh decides to get his own place - eventually my little Elmer family! <3

Life is changing!

Subtle Things & Marriage

For as long as I remember, I have been a hopeless romantic.

I never went through a "boys-have-cooties" stage. I never wanted a relationship that wasn't committed. The principle of marriage has never scared me, but in fact has always sparked my daydreams. I have been planning my wedding since who knows when. When I am asked what I want to be when I grow up, the words 'wife' and 'mother' come before any career.

Now that I am engaged at the age of 20, to be married by the time I am 22, I find myself on the defense to people's sarcasm and opinions on the idea of marriage. I come across so many "you are too young" comments, or remarks about planning divorces as you plan your wedding, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that marriage has become what it has. Something that is supposedly done too early in life, or on a whim, and something that will always end with divorce.

But regardless of the countries divorce statistics, or what marriages you have witnessed, don't predetermine the quality of someone else's marriage. Frankly, I don't give a shit if I am "too young", or that I am not done with school yet, or that statistically, my marriage has been forecasted to end in divorce because of this and that. I know that I am with the man I want to spend the entirety my life with -- the tragic and terrifying parts, as well as the blissful. I want to have children with him, and I want spend the rest of my life working on this relationship, so that when we are old, we have 50+ years of memories, a long line of family, and a lot of hard work to look back on and cherish before we pass away.

Don't call me naive, or optimistic. I know that marriage is a lot of effort, and there will be hard times, and there will be moments where we may want to call it quits. I've seen marriages fail, and I see marriages struggling, but what I understand is that when you get married, you are in it "for better and for worse". Instead of judging other people's marriages, just focus on your own. I think that people only prepare themselves for the good in marriage, and are completely taken aback when things get difficult. If you make sure that you, yourself, are ready to get married when the moment comes, and that you are understanding of the efforts necessary to make such a relationship work, then you will beat the statistics.

I also completely understand, that sometimes marriages can't be fixed, or that sometimes they shouldn't be fixed. This is not a judgement on people who have gotten divorced. I just feel that other people's marriages or divorces should not determine anyone else's marriages or divorces.

I am not rushing into anything. I am fully prepared for this, and I couldn't be more excited to become Mrs. Elmer. Despite the stereotypes, I am still a full-blooded hopeless romantic.