15 Subtle Things to Thank My Lucky Stars For

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."  -- Denis Waitley

Life is busy (as is evident by my lack of writing lately...) and I've been feeling weighed down and preoccupied by everything running through my mind.

As I just celebrated my 21st birthday, and Thanksgiving is approaching, I realize that even though I have so many stresses in my life, I have even more reasons to be thankful.

Here are 15 things that I thank my lucky stars for.

1. First and foremost, I am so thankful that I have made it to the age of 21. And, not only that, but I am healthy and thriving. I may not be exactly where I want to be with my body and my self-image, but I am working hard to integrate health, nutrition, and exercise into my everyday life. I am proud of myself for that.

2. I am 21 years old, and I never had a sip of alcohol in my life until I turned 21. Believe me or not, but this is a goal that I have held steadfast for my whole life. I lived up to my own expectations, and I am thankful for my self control and willpower, temptation be damned!


3. I cannot express my gratitude for the ability to attend Portland State University. I love the campus, the city, the liberal feel. I am thankful that I was able to take some time off, and realize my love once again. 

4. In relation to that, I am thankful that I finally know and understand what I want to do with my life, and what path I will take at PSU. After months of stress and contemplation of a major change, and even a transfer of schools, I know that I want to major in Child and Family Studies, with a minor in early elementary education, and Spanish. I plan to get my MA in Education, as well as my teaching license, and I toy around with the idea of being a counselor or even a principal of an elementary school one day.

5. As much as I resent it sometimes, I am thankful for my job. I have room for growth and better benefits than a lot of people my age are able to obtain.

6. This goes without saying, but I am so incredibly grateful for my family! I would never change anything about them. They are my light and my support, and have been for my entire life.



7. I am really lucky to have been able to travel a lot within the most recent years of my life. I've taken lots of trips on the West Coast, including 4 trips down to SoCal, trips up to Seattle, and all the places in between. Even a trip to Hawaii! I just got back from a trip down to Laguna Beach to visit my sister who is working hard at pursuing her dreams. It is such a blessing to be able to financially support occasional trips like that.

8. I am thankful that I am not a starving college student (most of the time.) Tim and I live paycheck to paycheck, but have room to pay our bills and buy groceries each week, with a little room to save.

9. I am thankful that I am health insured! In fact, the flu shot I got a couple weeks ago was completely covered. It is a blessing to not have to worry about something so necessary.

10. I love this time of year! I am thankful for the weather -- all the colors are so refreshing.

11. I am thankful for the little things. Honestly, they are the things that motivate me and excite me. Coming home to a hug from my fiance, or having a cup of hot chocolate while I do my homework are some of the best parts of my day.

12. I got really lucky with  my soon to be mother-in-law. Seriously, guys, she is awesome. I am so thankful to have her in my life. I love talking with her and getting to know her. She raised the man of my dreams, and I owe her so much for that.

13. I am thankful for my bridesmaids. These 5 girls are such a strong source of support, and they are true friends. I've finally got it figured out now!

14. This goes without saying, but I am more thankful than I can express for my fiance. He truly loves me for who I am, as cliche as it sounds. He supports all my dreams and understands my idiosyncrasies. He is my best friend, and the best person I could have ever asked to share my life with.

15. In an attempt to not be self-deprecating, I am making an effort to be thankful for myself. The triumphs in my life only happen because I achieve them. I am living for me.

Oh, and to all of you actually reached the end of this very long and sappy post, I am also thankful for you! 

Surrendering the Subtle Things

Sometimes, you have to waive that white flag. Throw in the towel. Quit.

That's right, I said it. Sometimes you have to quit.

Growing up, we are told to stick things through. Don't give up. Never say never. Quitting is bad.

But, if quitting means that you'll be better in the long run, what is so bad about it?

I mean sure, if you are part of a team, and by quitting you put them in a hard spot, that can be "bad". When other people have to suffer, quitting isn't always the best option. When it comes to things that effect others, then your decision needs to be heavily considered.

I think that sometimes we have to quit, because we have to let go of the things are no longer doing us any good. We are only human, and not everything we are doing, or trying to hold together are going to be continuously beneficial.

Sometimes, it's sad. Or frustrating. Or confusing. Or whole lot of mixed emotions that are really  hard to pinpoint. But, that's okay. It's okay to feel this way now, because a few days, weeks, months, or maybe even years down the road, you are going to feel relieved instead.

Sometimes, you just have to do what's best for yourself.

In high school when guard got tough because we got a shitty coach, I didn't quit, and despite how badly I wanted to walk away when his cigarette breath and body odor were screaming into my face when we had a particularly bad run, I didn't for the sake of my team.
For the sake of my pride. For the sake if knowing that I could tough it out.

When things get rough between Tim and I, we don't quit, we communicate and express what's frustrating us. I'd never quit on him.

There are a few things I've quit though: I quit dancing without thinking. I needed a break from school and dropped all my classes in the middle of winter term last year, which caused me a plethora of financial aide problems. I recently just cut one of my closest friends from my life.

Quitting all those things, sooner or later, has caused me a great deal of grief.

But the beauty about quitting is that it provides me the opportunity to have a fresh start, whenever I desire. Or, I can take my time off and pick up exactly where I left off.

I am back into school, and the level of appreciation is so much higher. I cannot wait to see how happy I will be when I am reunited with dance, or if I rekindle my broken friendship.



“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.”
---- Osayi Osar-Emokpae

Subtle Things & Streams of Conciousness

My fingers have been itching to write something new for a while now. I will literally sit down at my desk, open a new template, and ponder for an hour on what to write -- eventually calling it quits.

But, I want so badly to write; to formulate my thoughts. To express an emotion with efficiency and grace. To drive a point home. To feel the incomparable feeling of relief when everything is finally out in the open.

But yet, I can't find a topic to write about. So, this is what I do. I sit at my desk, start a new template, and I type. And type. Erase what I have written, and I start over.

The desire to accurately describe a feeling, to the point of simultaneously encouraging that feeling in others is something I strive to do. Always. I wish so deeply that you all could feel the happiness I do when I wake up next to my best friend every morning. Or, the sense of accomplishment I feel when I complete a work out. It really is as if all of my stresses are eliminated for a mere second. The beauty of feelings, though, is that they are completely unique to the individual, like snowflakes or zebra stripes, feelings vary in each being, and everyone feels them in their own way.

This drives me to believe that beauty in life is fleeting. We can be happy for seconds to hours to weeks at a time, but it can change in a moment. Life is made up of moments. I want to remember as many moments as I can.

I don't want to say YOLO (because it's dumb, first of all, but really who knows what happens after this life?), but I have a strong desire to truly live up to all of the expectations I have for myself. I have so many goals and wants and desires that it seems like it's not possible. It seems over confident to believe that I can accomplish everything I want in my mere 100 (if I am lucky) years of life.

It is so effortless to get so swept up by the melancholia of life, that we completely forget that we have such a short time to...be. To feel. To experience. To share. We have such a limited time to develop, to love. 100 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. When we are caught up in the bustle of monetary problems, drama among relationships, guilt, fear, embarrassment, days drag on for what seems like weeks, and weeks feel like months, and months to years and suddenly it seems as if death is a myth, and that life is going to drag on forever. But the reality is, that life can be swept up from under our stance in less than a second.

So, before the inevitable takes action, I am going to do all I can to be. To feel. To experience. To share. To develop, to love.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Subtle Things & Helping Things Grow

I found my life's purpose today. 

I wasn't searching or looking or probing my day to day life to figure this out. It came to me suddenly and subtly when I was out running errands with my fiance.

We were visiting with my mom, and I was out admiring her garden. I was there for 30 minutes, and I left with  a tomato plant, a vase full of beautiful purple and blue hydrangeas, and some lavender, all up rooted and picked from her garden.

I rushed home and gave the plants some water, and re-potted the tomato plant, and all the while Tim was smiling at me. I asked him why, and he said,

"I love that these little things make you so happy."

And, I realized that these little things are what I was put on this earth to experience. Not gardening, per say. But nurturing little things, and helping them grow into big things. Gardening is just a physical manifestation of my desire to help things, people, and ideas thrive. And, honestly, I owe this all to my mother.


My mother has always been my best friend, but ever since the start, my mother has taught me to nurture; to believe in things and find faith in things. I was raised to encourage, not to put down, and that all things need time to mature. But, most importantly, I was taught that love should grow and multiply, for family especially, but in all areas of life. 


It is thanks to her that I have found my life passion in education and the development of children. Because of her, I want a big family as full of love as the one I have right now. She has instilled in me that proper way to nurture one's own body. Her lessons have taught me that all things come to those who spend time earning it. My hobbies and ideals reflect that: teaching, dancing, gardening, writing, my new-found discovery on the importance of a healthy lifestyle, my soon to be marriage, my beliefs regarding family. All of these things take time, patience, faith and love to help them grow. 


And, that is why I believe I am here -- to nurture, to develop, to love with all my heart, and to help things grow. 

Subtle Things & Choosing Happiness

"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy

I was in high school when I first heard this statement. I was sitting in a community education class, watching someone do a presentation, and I had an epiphany. Happiness is a conscious decision; a simple choice. Being happy is entirely up to me. 


But, regardless of this realization, I continued down the track I was previously on. I overloaded my plate (figuratively and literally)  -- too many extra curricular activities, advanced classes, and having a job distracted me from maintaining my mental and physical health. Slowly, even after I graduated high school, I slipped into a period of depression. 


I stopped doing the things that I loved. I stopped taking time for myself. I stopped putting myself first, and I started caring far too much what other people thought of me. 


Why did I do this to myself? My actions had completely contradicted my mantra. If happiness is everything I want, why haven't I chosen it yet?


Why do we prolong our own happiness? If happiness is such an easy decision, why isn't a snap decision?    


I think that we have a hard time believing that we deserve all the happiness that we want. Saying that we are indeed our own worst critics, is an understatement. We are bullies, abusers, and haters to ourselves. And while we may be the nicest person to others, our own selves are neglected. And I know that I am guilty of that.


Somehow, insecurities invade our better judgement. These monsters in our minds tell us that we don't deserve to be happy - because we're not pretty enough, because we're not thin enough, because we aren't smart enough, because we don't work hard enough, because we don't have enough friends, or because we've been hurt in the past because we aren't good enough. We have tricked ourselves into believing that we are not enough, and that is the biggest lie we tell ourselves.

If we tell ourselves that we don't deserve to be happy, then we never will be.

The beauty of an epiphany, is that while it is sudden, it is unlimited. They can happen over and over again. Over the last week, I have had the same realization that I explained previously, but this time, I know I deserve it, and I am going to do everything I can to find it.

I have to stop bullying myself.  I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am hard working. I deserve everything I receive and earn. I am and I will be.

I have to start doing the things that bring me joy. I don't mean eating a pint of Ben n' Jerry's half baked ice-cream when I am sad, or telling myself lies. I need to dance again, I need to continue writing, I need to continue my education, and I need to spend time with the people that TRULY make me happy.

I have to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and in turn, I cannot beat myself up for making mistakes. I need to be happy for myself when I'm under my daily calorie intake, or when I get a good work out in. I need to rejoice in every pound lost, and every nutrient taken in. I need to allow myself the indulgences I desire without going overboard.

Despite what you tell yourself, what you think of yourself, or what other people have told you, you deserve happiness. & finding it is really all up to you.

Subtle Things & Hidden Memories

I am in the midst of moving - we all know what that is like.

First, the initial cleaning commences. We sort through stacks of mail, file paperwork that we need, and recycle the items we don't. We donate or sell the clothes and other materials that we don't need anymore. We organize and label boxes, and fill them to the brim.

Then we pack everything up; the bookshelves, the extra sheets and pillows. We take all of the decorations off the wall, and wrap all the picture frames.

Once everything is packed, we throw all the little items (you know, that junk drawer in your kitchen?) in a bag or a box, and we clean again.

But in between all those steps, we find lost memories. It's almost as if our memories hide behind our possessions, and when we least expect it, they creep up on us. We can feel their presence, almost.

I found a letter from a close friend from high school in my bookshelf, and when I opened it, I was overwhelmed by the nostalgia I felt. I could remember where I was the first time I read it, and I could almost smell my past surroundings. And, when I read it again, I felt the same way I remember feeling when it was given to me.

And that memory, triggered other memories, wonderful moments that I had not thought about for a long time. And those thoughts brought on a slate of emotion - they reminded me of a person who I used to be so close to, but no longer really communicate with. This person was my best friend for a long time. We worked side by side, helped each other through a lot of struggle, and in the meantime, made a lot of memories with each other.


And, while finding that letter may have been particularly impacting to me, it was one of many items that released a happy memory that day. 


I have a bouquet of dried roses hanging on my wall, and when I smell them, I am taken back to my twentieth birthday, when Tim took me and some friends to the Melting Pot and had them waiting for me at the table. Isn't it incredible how you can smell something, and it instantly fills your heart with warmth and reminds you of something? This happens to me everyday! I can be at work, and someone's lotion reminds me of an old friend, or the smell of popcorn brings up memories of a trip I took with my family.

I was throwing out old shoes, and I found a pair of shoes (zebra patterned flats that I loved) that Tim bought me, just because. Another pair, I wore when I gave my ASB election speech. As I was writing that last sentence, I found a shirt that I made with a friend for another friends graduation. I remember going over to Liz's house and enjoying the summer weather while we were waiting for the puff paint to dry.

I think  that's why moving, while it is a nuisance, is refreshing. We take the time to clean and pack and clean some more, and stumble upon things that bring us back to the real world, and realign our minds.

So, I've got a really empty apartment, but my heart is full of memories that I had long forgotten about.
So, I am moving forward, but I am humbled by memories of where I came from.
So, I have a lot of labor ahead of me, but while I move, I am making more memories that I can re-discover at a later time.

Subtle Things & Lacking Fulfillment

Life has caught up to me lately. Really, it seems like I can't turn my brain off. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm anxious from the moment I wake up. I dread going to work every day.

I feel like my life is lacking something. Which seems crazy to say, because it is incredibly busy and full, with work, and wedding planning, and moving, and everything else. But I feel, hollow, I guess.

I have so many things to be happy about, but lately, all I can feel is sadness, and I am not sure how to fix it.

Maybe, I'm allowing other people's actions to affect me too much. I've always been a people pleaser, and I've done so to the point of breaking -- trying to plan my wedding date, for example, was insane because I felt like I had to cater to other people's needs. I hate confrontation, and I am usually more willing to concede than make someone else unhappy.

Maybe, I feel stagnant, because I took a term off from school, which leaves me working, only. Currently, I am not doing anything to push my life forward, to get me away from working in retail or to make me closer to working in a field that I enjoy. I tell myself I needed this term off, but I feel like a failure for doing so.

Maybe, I feel taken for granted by some of the people in my life. I'm a verbal pin cushion, a confidant, a listener, and I am often put in a position where I don't know what to do.  I'm so involved in a situation, to the point where worry makes me anxious and sick. I want to remove myself, and back away for my own sanity, but feel like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Maybe, I dislike who I have turned into. I used to be such a carefree, confident, romantic spirit, and now I feel bogged down by people's opinions, I care too much about what others think when they see me. I can't stick to anything, and no matter how hard I try, I give in to temptation.

Maybe, I am far too envious of other people's lives. People who are graduating from college already, people who are getting married before me, people who are having children, people who have better jobs than me, or more money than me, or people who have it all figured out. Even though I have those things going for me in the future, I frustrated that I don't have them now.

And while all those ideas make complete sense as to why I am feeling empty, I still feel like I am looking for an answer.

I know that for my happiness, I need to stop listening to other people, and follow my own heart and head.
I know that for my happiness, I need to find the motivation to start school again, and get a degree to work with children.
I know that for my happiness, I need to remove myself from situations that make happiness difficult to obtain.
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy with who I am now, so that I can become who I want to be. I'm still that carefree, lovable person, but she is being hidden by sadness and insecurities
I know that for my happiness, I need to be happy for others, even when they do the things I want to do, but haven't. I need to have faith in myself that these things will happen for me, because I will make them.

Maybe, when I accomplish all these things, I won't feel so vacant anymore.

Subtle Things & New Experiences

It is such a blessing when dreaded obligations become exciting opportunities.

For once, I am actually excited to move! Tim and I have been living together for two years (almost) now, and we found out recently that we needed to move for several reasons; rent increases and inconsiderate neighbors among them. But, we have stumbled across the opportunity to live with our best friend, and I am so excited! I remember talking about being roommates in high school, and it is so crazy to see it actually happening.

We found a great place, that we can paint and make a home, and the rate is insanely affordable. Not only do we get to have a great year living with our best friend, which is something Tim and I both wanted to experience before we get married, but we get to save some money for our wedding. We move on July 10th, so if anyone wants to come help paint, let  us know!

Tim and I hope to stay in this apartment until we buy our first home -- I am so excited to turn this place into a happy home for us roommates, and when Josh decides to get his own place - eventually my little Elmer family! <3

Life is changing!

Subtle Things & Marriage

For as long as I remember, I have been a hopeless romantic.

I never went through a "boys-have-cooties" stage. I never wanted a relationship that wasn't committed. The principle of marriage has never scared me, but in fact has always sparked my daydreams. I have been planning my wedding since who knows when. When I am asked what I want to be when I grow up, the words 'wife' and 'mother' come before any career.

Now that I am engaged at the age of 20, to be married by the time I am 22, I find myself on the defense to people's sarcasm and opinions on the idea of marriage. I come across so many "you are too young" comments, or remarks about planning divorces as you plan your wedding, and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that marriage has become what it has. Something that is supposedly done too early in life, or on a whim, and something that will always end with divorce.

But regardless of the countries divorce statistics, or what marriages you have witnessed, don't predetermine the quality of someone else's marriage. Frankly, I don't give a shit if I am "too young", or that I am not done with school yet, or that statistically, my marriage has been forecasted to end in divorce because of this and that. I know that I am with the man I want to spend the entirety my life with -- the tragic and terrifying parts, as well as the blissful. I want to have children with him, and I want spend the rest of my life working on this relationship, so that when we are old, we have 50+ years of memories, a long line of family, and a lot of hard work to look back on and cherish before we pass away.

Don't call me naive, or optimistic. I know that marriage is a lot of effort, and there will be hard times, and there will be moments where we may want to call it quits. I've seen marriages fail, and I see marriages struggling, but what I understand is that when you get married, you are in it "for better and for worse". Instead of judging other people's marriages, just focus on your own. I think that people only prepare themselves for the good in marriage, and are completely taken aback when things get difficult. If you make sure that you, yourself, are ready to get married when the moment comes, and that you are understanding of the efforts necessary to make such a relationship work, then you will beat the statistics.

I also completely understand, that sometimes marriages can't be fixed, or that sometimes they shouldn't be fixed. This is not a judgement on people who have gotten divorced. I just feel that other people's marriages or divorces should not determine anyone else's marriages or divorces.

I am not rushing into anything. I am fully prepared for this, and I couldn't be more excited to become Mrs. Elmer. Despite the stereotypes, I am still a full-blooded hopeless romantic.

Subtle Things & Decisions

I remember feeling so much pressure when I was in high school to decide what I wanted to do when I grew up.  But, I didn't take it too seriously, though. I had time to decide.

First, I wanted to go to beauty school. Then, I wanted to go to a trade school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. After that, dermatology. Then, I strayed from the medical field, and wanted to teach high school literature and English. And, then Kindergarten. And, now...

Well, now I am grown up. And, I have only small clues as to what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Well, that's a lie. I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to marry my best friend, and have a family with him. I want to travel. I want to devote my life to finding and maintaining my health. I want to enrich the lives of others. But, determining what career field I am going to work in, in order to fulfill all those aforementioned ideas... I am lost.

I'm a college sophomore, working in retail only to survive. I give credit where it is due to those who choose to work in such an area for life, but I could never. 2 long years it has been, and while I am fortunate to have me job, it has taught me that I definitely do not want to work there forever.

What I do know, is that I want to work with children. But where do I go from there? Do I get an associates degree? Or do I tough it out for the long haul and finish my BA in Child and Family Studies at PSU? Do I want to teach? Or should I work for a non-profit like Children International?

What is so scary, is that all of the things that I have desired for my life, always, are contingent upon the timing and the consequences of my decision.

Yep, all that pressure has caught up to me.

Subtle Things & Fear

I am writing this as I am lying in bed, my eyes fighting to stay open, but my mind unable to rest. I am listening to the sound of the rain outside with my window open, and I am thinking about my life. The reason I am awake right now, is because I can't stop thinking about a nightmare I just woke up from. The odd thing is that I don't remember enough details to comprehensively explain the storyline. However, the dream revolved like an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI, displaying parts of a murder.

I am a dweller. I always have been. I am A dweller in the sense that I don't let things go promptly, or even at all. When something upsetting happens, I dwell on it all day, week, month long.

I come to you in the middle of the night, because I realize how much I let fear rule my life. And, the worst part is, that they are either insignificant, or irrational fears.

I run from my apartment door to my car when it is dark outside, because I fear being brutally murdered. (This fear continues to increase as I watch more episodes of Criminal Minds... But I can't stop!) If Tim falls asleep before me, I turn on lights because I am afraid of the dark. I don't watch scary movies. I am always afraid that I am going to get sick. The idea of losing my loved ones actually makes me sick.

Even though they all seem so trivial now as I write them out, I think the worst part is knowing that they affect life so greatly. I not only lose sleep, but I lose opportunities to embrace the world around me when my mind is overcome with phobias and irrational daydreams.

While phobias are specific to each individual, if we take time to analyze each particular fear of mine, we'll see some similarities. Being murdered and getting sick relate to pain, darkness and scary movies represent my fear of things unknown. Losing loved ones show a fear of loss and loneliness. These more general ideas are fears every human has in some form. Naturally we detest pain and like to understand our surroundings. We fear mourning the death of someone we love. And we grow as people when we learn to not outgrow the fears, but take control of them and not allow them to pillage our dreams, hopes, and our lives.

Fear is something that is designed to keep us in line and safe- but if you let it rule your life, you become bored and terrified. It is such a shame to give your life to fear. Life should be an adventure. I am young and able.

It is time to start facing my fears and challenging myself to grow. Because when time comes and I do experience extreme pain or complete ignorance of a situation, or God forbid the death of someone I love. I have to be able to handle it. Because what if I can't?

Subtle Things & Forgotten Beauty

Today is beautiful. Everything about today is beautiful.
It is so easy to be caught up in the stresses of life, and forget about the world around us; the natural, fresh beauty of our surroundings. It is a lovely sixty degrees outside, perfect weather to walk with my mother in, like I have already done this morning. It is the perfect temperature to sit on the couch with the doors and windows open, a blanket, and a good book, or paper and a pen. The loyal hummingbird who faithfully perches on the branch of a tree outside my patio every morning does not stray from it's routine. My cats are running through my apartment and playing with each other. My loving fiance accidentally butt-dialed me at work, so I got to hear his sweet voice before he hung up. I not only have a wonderful family, but also a soon to be set of in-laws that care so deeply about our well being. I am a lucky, lucky woman. And, I often forget that.

My life is a jumbled mess of necessity and preparation: school, work, wedding planning, bill paying, health management and several other preparations for my future often get in the way of acknowledging what is around me. I have always been someone who quickly grows impatient with being stagnant. I find enjoyment in improvement, happiness in growth, and staying in one place or position for too long encourages my frustration. Thus, my current life situation is not my ideal situation. I am so eager to be done with school, to get a new job doing what I enjoy, to have lost the weight, to marry my best friend and to start our family together, that I ignore the beauty in my life already.

I have a secure job, with room for growth and promotion, and benefits. I am a student, with ample time and freedom to decide where I want to get whatever degree I want to get in whatever field. I live with my best friend and the love of my life, and the gorgeous ring on my finger reminds me everyday how lucky I am. My mother loves me so much that she is willing to work by my side to help me get healthy. My sister and little brothers run to the door when they anticipate my arrival. I have food in my fridge and pantry. Lucky woman, indeed.

I have had the morning the myself, and for once, I feel rejuvenated. After walking in the sun with my mother and a little me-time, I feel refreshed and motivated. Here is to living in the moment!

Subtle Things & The USA

You know, lately, I really dislike being an American. 

Yes, yes, I know. I have heard and studied about American History. I know what we have gone through as a country to earn our name, our essence. I admire and believe in everything that America stands for:  freedom of speech, human/race/gender/orientation equality, living without fear of religious oppression... But we are all talk!

We claim to be all of the above. We are equal... but if you are gay, you can't marry who you love, which results in the denial of hundreds of human rights. We support women's suffrage, but, not only will you make $.75 to the man's dollar, but you women must also leave your body up to the government's discretion.

It makes me sick that congressional hearings on birth control can occur without the participation or involvement of women. It makes me sick that our country thinks that it is constitutional to deny rights to any human being, regardless of sexual orientation. It makes me sick that in a country that originated due to a desire for religious freedom, we base most of it's laws on, primarily, one religion. We speak highly of a separation of church and state -- but we are still "One Nation, Under God". (Please don't get me wrong. This is not an argument against religion. I fully support anyone's right to practice any religion they choose, as long as it doesn't compromise the freedom or safety of any other person.)

We will not be what we claim to be, until these things change. 

I hate living in a country where appearance and beauty are more revered than intelligence and compassion. Every time I see a cover of a gossip magazine, this is only exemplified. Anytime any female celebrity takes an unflattering photograph, it's the front page news. Really, who cares if (insert celebrity here) gained a few pounds?

I hate knowing that the cast of Jersey Shore makes more money than teachers. The financial distribution in this country is bananas. (I am not saying that the destructive and endangering actions of the Occupy movement are justifiable, however.) I understand that idiots make for good entertainment, but do they really deserve to make millions of dollars a year, when there are hard-working, educated people who struggle trying to make ends meet?

I hate that the people who are able to contribute to causes, don't. Instead, they own multiple cars, pay mortgages on million-dollar-thirteen-bedroom mansions to house their 4 person family, and look down on those less fortunate. I recently read an article where a wealthy business man dined at restaurant, spent over $100 on the meal, and left a 1% tip, along with a nasty piece of advice. Another photo shows a non-existent tip, and some even nastier advice.  I'd like to think that these disgusting people took that tip money and put it towards something beneficial to their community, or used it to buy food to donate - but we know that isn't the case.

Please know that this is not my pledge of anarchy. No, I am not going to burn the American flag, or move to Canada. (However, if they ban the use of tampons like they have been discussing...) I am just very upset with my country right now. I can't wait for the US to become what they claim to already be.

We will not be free until any human has the right to marry whomever they want to. 
We will not be equal until there are no financial discriminations against women, and until the government removes itself from the woman's vagina, and furthermore, her personal business. 
We will not be free from religious oppression until Biblical statements are no longer used to define laws and rights in this country.  

Subtle Things & A Year in Review

Other than my previous post, it really has been a year since I've last written. A whole lot has changed!

I had last written on my first anniversary with Tim. Well, obviously we have celebrated another anniversary! But we've gone through many milestones in our relationship as well. Since my last post, we've gotten another cat, taken road trips up to Hood River and Seattle to see his family, moved into a new apartment complex, gone on a trip with my whole family and our best friend Meghan to Disneyland, Tim started school at Portland State in the fall, and we've since celebrated our 20th birthdays, respectively. And those are only the things that I think of off the top of my head!

Yes, we got a second kitten as a Valentine's Day gift last year. Her name is Lola, and she is a grey tabby cat. She is curious and gentle. She likes get herself into small spaces, and likes to fall asleep in our clean laundry. I absolutely love her!

During my Spring Break, Tim and I took a trip up to Hood River to see his family and his hometown. I got to see his father's headstone, and the house he lived in, and other memorable places and spaces. It really  made me feel more connected to him, to learn more about his history. It was a great trip!

We moved from our old place in June -- and we love our new home! I don't have any pictures I can post yet, but I can assure you that it is miles above our old place. All painted brown walls, a huge bathroom with a roman tub, built in bookshelves. The community is wonderful, and best of all, NO MOLD!

Perhaps the most exciting part of our year was our trip to Disneyland in July. We went for a week, stayed in a rental home with my family and had a blast! I loved seeing us all channel our inner children. We had so much fun, often to the point of sickness (Meghan, Tim and I all got sick on the trip -- I blame it on the heat.) I had SUCH a great time with my little brothers. I really love Disneyland. I love taking my time and experiencing the atmosphere. I love walking with Tim, hand in hand and watching the fireworks, and listening to the happiness that exudes from every square inch of that magical place. We really hope that we can go back soon.

Like I said earlier, Tim and I are students at Portland State University. He is interested Psychology, Anthropology and the human brain. I am currently a Child and Family Studies major, but I am thinking about changing it. I am really interested in sexualities and health studies/nutrition. I am also considering transferring to an online degree program. I strongly dislike commuting to class, and I want a little more flexibility in my schedule so that I can work more and save up for a wedding and everything that comes after. I just know that I really want to work with young children, but I don't really know more than that. I am going to take the summer to really analyze what I want to do before I make any big decisions. I do know, however, that I am going to make this decision based on what I think is best for myself. Not on what anyone else says.

That's all I have for now! I'll try and blog on a regular basis.

Subtle Things & A Long Overdue Return

It still baffles me how so much time can pass, without a conscious acknowledgement of it.  This last year has been the best, and worst year of my life, but I am going to focus my long overdue return to writing on a similar sentiment to my last post-- my fiance, and the love of my life.

That's right, after two memorable years, Tim and I are ENGAGED, and we could not be happier.

For those who know me well, you already know that I am a sucker for weddings. And even more than the idea of a wedding itself, I am a sucker for long-enduring, ever-lasting, hopeless, passionate and mad love.
I would like to assure you all, that I did not settle for less than what I wanted. He is everything, and has every quality that I hold steadfast. He is honest, sincere, hard working, loyal, hilarious and before I had any idea that I would ever date, let alone marry him, Tim was already there, waiting in the wings. He has been a close friend of mine since seventh grade. He loves my family, and they love him back. He become a brother to my siblings long before our engagement. He is so easy to talk to, easy to have fun with, easy to work with, easy to spend time with. We know everything about each other, in fact, we can't keep secrets from each other. On Valentine's Day, we went shopping together for gifts, we didn't even make it to Christmas when sharing our gifts with each other, and he couldn't wait to tell me that he had put an engagement ring on layaway.

Tim and I have been through a lot together: among the hectic times of adolescence and puberty, middle school and high school, we have gone through some incredibly beautiful and devastating life experiences. These experiences probably don't even compare to what will happen throughout our  marriage, but I am so thankful to have my absolute best friend be the person by my side during those times.

It is so comforting to know that I have someone in my life, who will stand by every decision or mistake that I make, and will love me regardless. The feeling of selfless, non-shallow love, is something that I never even dreamed would feel so wonderful. This last year has been one of growth, and development of my individuality, and he consistently supports my choices, despite how it may affect our future. I am so grateful for his faith. 

Here are a few engagement photos we took when we visited his family in Seattle a couple weeks ago.
(Photo Credit: http://kararuephotography.zenfolio.com/)

Nothing is concrete about the wedding yet, but we are planning for it to be in July of 2013! :) I will post new pictures, updates about the wedding and our lives in the upcoming months. I hope to post more writing soon!